Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Blood Ties (2009)

Knowing that this indie film is one of those typical Scooby gang type things where college kids think they're smarter than everyone else and can solve difficult cases that police departments haven't been able to in decades I was expecting stupidity, boredom, bad acting and bad mistakes. And there were plenty. That was actually a shame though, because hidden under all the stupidity was a halfway decent mystery (I wouldn't call this horror) that if they hadn't mucked it up so badly would have actually been worth paying attention to.

Worst. Scooby gang. Ever.
Not to be confused with the Singaporean movie of the same name made the same year (as well as several others newer than this), this movie that could have been halfway decent is about a group of college students in a criminal science class wanting to do a project on the unsolved murders 20 years ago at their own college. The editor of the college newspaper exposed a major bribe scheme that caused their football team to throw the championship and was murdered because of it. 

Continuity error: his girlfriend offers him champagne from an open bottle and holding two glasses. In the next scene she OPENS the bottle - again. Whoops. But there is an interesting piece of gore as she is killed and her eyes plucked out and stuck into her mouth as she is squished on the copy machine, her mutilated face making tons of copies.

Hey, it's Elvis!
Fast forward to this project: After the students involved turn it in the ones initially responsible for the first series of murders (including the criminal professor) get together and decide to 'call' the one they need to take care of it. Trouble is, this one kills them as well as the students. A theory is brought forth (actually a lot of talking happens and little action, I'm speeding this up) that this is a 'sleeper' killer, who doesn't know what he/she is doing and kills with a trigger word. Yeah, we went from an almost interesting story to bleh.

My costume is totally original...
So slowly, so very very slowly, people die one by one. Second big boo boo: the professor who was a former cop is trying to protect himself and uses a revolver - which is clearly empty. The killer wears a cloak and a white mask (Ripoff of Scream anyone?) and though they try to make the murders interesting, by now the story is so bogged down by the twists and turns that don't make sense and the one tone acting, you're just begging for an ending.

We finally get one and good, it's over - oh wait, the twist. The killer, although pummeled with a large flashlight multiple times doesn't die and calls the remaining Scooby member... dum dum dum. And I do mean dumb.