Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, January 28, 2013


The Graveyard (2006) 

Okay class you had your assignment: Six stupid students and a graveyard, make a movie out of that. And I'm picking through the pile and choosing one at random... Our choice today is by a new student who doesn't wish to be identified because <flips through pages> wow, does this suck! Okay Michael - oops, sorry about that, but don't get bent out of shape I didn't give your last name Mr. Hurst. Your tagline: Fear Is Buried Here. You realize you just lost a grade for that don't you? Six kids in a graveyard - umm Mr. Hurst you do realize there has to be a church here right? No? Another grade off, sorry. 

This is a cemetery Mr. Hurst, try looking up your facts before putting nonsense together. You've even got here that this takes place in Placid Pines Cemetery. That's just weak sauce Mr. Hurst. Okay if you're going to cry do it on your own time, we've got a review to do.

A group of stupid kids play hide and seek in a cemetery. Two of the boys (three girls, three boys) decide to scare the third boy by pretending to be a masked killer. In his fright he falls on the broken gate and impales himself. Sigh. Must we even go on here? Stop crying Mr. Hurst. So the boy who wore the mask gets five years for manslaughter (that's pretty light) and when he's released all decide to go to a camp by the cemetery they know to BE a cemetery even if Mr. Hurst doesn't. 

A camp by the cemetery? That's where I'd love to spend my vacations. They're going to celebrate the life of their friend. Who's dead. The five are met by the caretaker (Oh brother, I've already got my killer, don't I?) but we also see a guy bloody and tied up in the shed. He's then killed. Why wasn't he already dead? Stop whimpering Mr. Hurst, we're the ones being tortured here.

So the killing begins and because the kids are stupid they're all suspecting each other instead of the stranger they just met. The one fresh out of prison, Bobby, is kind of out of the running 'cause he's gone to the sheriff - who promptly arrests him since they have an unsolved murder on their hands and he's on parole. Duh. And the killings are also weak since you don't see anything actually happen to them, just that they're dead - except one neck cutting that was not even remotely good Mr. Hurst. 

No no, you don't blame the people who work for you, you hired them, deal with it. You have sex scenes with people with their pants on, that's a bit of physics you flunked, people dying of injuries you don't see, that's just lazy and the pathway to the end of the mystery so easily laid out a five year old could have seen the ending coming.

When you revealed that the dead friend's family was killed in a fire you pretty much cemented the story. Yes the dead kid had a brother who went nuts (or already was) when his brother died and burned down the house (apparently to have people think he was dead). He kills the caretaker, takes his place and tada. You've just wasted 83 minutes of some poor saps life.

After Bobby and the brother fight and the brother is supposedly killed, the two left (Bobby and the smart girl 'cause there's always one.) are put in the back of the squad car. Since you've revealed that the brother's body wasn't found, if he HADN'T gotten into the driver's seat of the squad car, THEN you would have had something... like a sequel set up if someone was dumb enough to give you more money. But no, you had to be just as weak and obvious at the end as you were at the beginning. D- and I suggest you do the necessary work before you turn in a project next time Mr. Hurst.