Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, January 28, 2013


Scary Or Die (2012)

All right class settle down, it's project day and we've got a lot of ground to cover so - hey! I said settle down people! You've been divided into groups for your short films and I'm hoping you have a wraparound for them people, I gave you a whole week - YOU! Sleep on your own blog mister! I want to hear what you've got and it's due NOW so let me... no you may NOT have one more day! The assignment gave you two weeks for the story and one week to come up with a wraparound now if it's not done you all get an incomplete for the semester. What's your working title? Scary Or Die. Why? It's a website? Really? That's the best... oh okay what's the setup? 

A hand with icky skin is on a computer mouse looking at a computer site called scaryordie.com for videos to watch. That's... awful. Okay let's continue - group one?

1. The Crossing: Three rednecks in a POS pickup truck travel through Arizona. C'mon people, redneck stereotypes? At least sharpen them up a bit. No? All right the driver has the most smarts apparently, the girl has a body and that's about it as far as talent, and the other is a drooling brown toothed ick who drinks his own foul version of homemade liquor. That's the best you could do? 

They travel through the hot sun, stop to gas up and grab supplies and murder the Mexican at the cash register on the way out. Redneck and racist, really? What's next? Hmm... at the border they stop, and the driver reveals that under a tarp in the back he's got two more Mexicans tied up. And they didn't scream and the girl didn't know they were there huh? Sigh. What's next? They throw them out of the truck and we see they are at the Mexico border. 

There is a lot of clothes and belongings strung all over the ground. It looks like it's all only been there for about five minutes but let's continue. There are also graves. We have racist rednecks that murder Mexicans huh? They kill the two they brought and bury them with the rest, then wait until nightfall, knowing they will probably have the opportunity to kill more as they come across the border. Suddenly a hand reaches up from the ground... oh for crying out loud another zombie story? Really? Mexican zombies, terrific. 

The murdered bodies rise up and kill the two men, the woman is wounded but gets away and runs down the road. Up on the hill are two members of the Arizona Border Patrol with rifles. They see the girl staggering on the road far below. #1: "What do you think?" #2: Looks like a zombie to me." ABP number 2 aims his rifle and shoots her in the stomach and she goes down. #1: "Should we go get her?" #2: "What time is it?" After learning it's the end of their shift he shrugs and says "Let the animals have her." That's it? Rampaging Mexican zombies that just stop rampaging and your twist is the ABP are there for zombies, not illegals? Sigh. C+  

The hand on the mouse, looking a bit worse, continues looking around the site until it settles on:

2. Tae Jung's Lament: People after this assignment we are going to have a serious talk about stereotyping people and cultures. Tae Jung is a man who has lost his wife and mopes around. One night he sees three women, the one in the middle is drop dead gorgeous. And Asian. 

Really people, there ARE other cultures in L.A. A man appears, putting a cloth over her face and dragging her away in a new Honda. Instead of calling 911, Tae takes his iPhone and shoves it inside the gas door of the Honda. Uh huh. He uses his Apple computer to locate his iPhone... do you people know how much product placement costs? He locates the phone and WALKS to the location. The man is driving a car, he is walking but he catches up to them right away. Really? Sigh. 

He finds both by a canal, the man about to murder the woman. He knocks the man into the canal and saves her. As a reward she invites him to a party the next week. C'mon people, you don't think anyone has guessed this situation and the ending by now? Really? Tae Jung goes to the woman's building where, again, everyone is Asian. He goes up and there are nothing but drop dead gorgeous women. 

He starts to make out with the one he rescued, apparently the leader... we see starting at the front door every person on the way up is dead, staked through the... ah come on! The final scene is just as Tae gets fangs to the throat the man who was knocked into the canal drops his bag to get more stakes and a large wooden mallet. Then... aw hell you have GOT to be kidding me <puts hand on forehead in disgust>. We then see the name 'Van Helsing' on the bag. You ran out of money here - I see you make everything go black and all we hear is screams and pounding and splats... D

Again with the rotting hand... it chooses:

3. Re-membered: A hit man has finished cutting up a body in a motel bathroom. Not very original but at least not racially motivated. He cleans up, wraps the pieces up and puts them in a large duffel bag, throwing a necklace with some sort of pentagram on it on top. Oh brother, here we go. Driving off to get his money, the body in the trunk, he's tired - he's weaving a bit on the road. He hears thumping in the trunk. He stops, looks in the trunk and... the body is there and all is as it should be. 

Driving on he's even more drowsy and his weaving has caught the attention of the 5-0 and he gets stopped. He's about to be let go when there's thumping in the trunk again. As the cop goes to inspect the trunk the hit man gets his gun out of the glove compartment and sticks it in his jacket. The cop comes back, says he's free to go. Puzzled the hit man drives on then stops at the side of the road to look for himself. 

The duffel bag is empty, save for the necklace with <pained look on face> the pentagram and a note that says 'You can't kill me.' He sees the man, with all the cuts but in one piece in his car. He leaps out of the car - the re-membered man <we're going to talk about grammar after this too> is behind him and uses the large bone cutting saw to take his head but we don't see that 'cause you ran out of money... D

The hand is definitely getting ickier as it looks for another story:

4. Clowned: Are we trying to be clever? Hope the story tries as hard. Hmm, two brothers, one older the other small live with their mother. The older one's girlfriend also lives there. He's black and... don't you guys have any shame? Why does he have to be a crack dealer while his white girlfriend is a nurse? Sensitivity training for the whole class will be mandatory starting next week! 

While his mother throws his little brother a birthday party, one of the kids goes missing. All the adults go to look for the kid and the mother tells the older brother to pay the party clown. He finds the clown in the kitchen raiding the refrigerator. Pissed off he tells the definitely pug ugly clown to beat it. The clown drops a kid's finger on the floor and pretty much dares the guy to confront him which, being a black guy... all right, I am not African American but already I am very insulted by this class' racist... sigh. 

The guy, not seeing the finger somehow (Nobody does, doesn't anybody look down or sweep the floor?) shoves the clown outside where they fight and the clown pins him down and bites his leg. After that, he takes off, skipping and dancing down the sidewalk. The kid is never found. 

Now people this story just... quits. I could go on about it but nothing happens. The man mopes around as changes start to take place and... still nothing. You had a good beginning <except for the racist part> but it just dies. Finally when the 'transformation' of monster clown is complete, we... get more moping. Geez! 

Finally it comes down to... oh come on people. The original clown kidnaps his brother? Really? A million children around... so the two clowns square off and he kills the one who bit him. Feeling the urge to eat his brother despite his love he tells him to go home and instead does a DBC (that's death by cop in case you don't know and it's pretty damn insensitive to the poor cops who have to shoot) and your story is done. D-

The hand, in major decay clicks on one last story <Thank God>:

5. Lover Come Back: Another racist story huh? An African American couple, who were once so in love but of course now married and bored, he beats her. I should just flunk your group right now. Oh and because of her race of course her Gran Pere (Cajun for grandfather) knew spells and covered her in goofer dust which, in case you kids think I don't pay attention or know about cultures, is any powder used in a spell, usually supposed to be harmful or deadly and can be or include graveyard dirt. 

Having her grandfather spray it on her as a protection is... ah never mind. So one day her husband, cheater and wife beater kills her and puts her in a trunk. But thanks to Gran Pere, she's going to reclaim her man. She finds him and another woman in a car (too cheap for a motel) and at the sight of her the woman screams and runs, the man can only look in horror as his wife, now rotted Cryptkeeper style, rips him apart. C- and I'm being generous because this was so short.

The wraparound: The owner of the hand stops at the keyboard and the one owning it comes to the doorway. It is the rotted dead wife from story #5. She slams the door. Fin

Starting next week I will be bringing in a sensitivity instructor and you people will learn about tolerance and how harmful stereotypes can be. And as for being film makers? I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.