Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, January 14, 2013


Night Of The Living Dead 3D:
Reanimation (2012)

How can this keep happening? These horrific 'remakes' of the 1968 classic keep coming, and now they're not even bothering to change the titles! Well children, here is an important business lesson: Whenever you've created something, be extra sure it is properly copyrighted. Poor George Romero was a young and inexperienced filmmaker, and as a result his greatest creation has become public domain. That means YOU could put together a film about, I dunno, zombies that crave snot instead of brains, call it Night Of The Living Dead and the FBI isn't gonna come after you. Zombie fans might, but nothing legal.

NOTLD was first 'remade' in 1990 by the great Tom Savini who at least tried to keep the faith and be true to the original. The second was the first 3D movie made in 2006, and I guess this abortion created in 2012 is a prequel to that. Which doesn't even try, want, or have anything about the original. And unfortunately, it doesn't have to. Anybody with a camera can rape NOTLD and believe me, if they think they can make a buck, they will.

That said, again when you check out a Netflix movie, take a second to read the reviews written by those before you. It can be hilarious! It was the reason I had to check out Vampegeddon, and it was a major reason I went ahead and watched this awful thing. Well, that and Jeffrey Combs. Poor Jeffrey. He probably didn't even realize that he was part of the joke (Get it? He was in ReAnimator?). So this is the story or actually this is the non-story you will be tortured with if you have a masochistic streak in you:

At the Tovar Funeral Home (I understand this was used in the 2006 movie also) the two Tovar brothers, Gerald and Harold (sorry, real names) both want the Funeral home, or at least have it sold and the money split between them. But Gerald's been keeping a secret: He hides zombies in the cremation room because 1. He's afraid of fire and 2. He's been obsessively watching them when they slowly squirm around. If they get too active, it's a shovel to the head. 

So Harold (Jeffrey Combs) listens to his brother's mad tale and quickly asks him 'Are they shambling or sprinting?' When he hears shambling he sighs and says 'Good, they're Romero zombies.' Best. Line. In. This. Movie.

Harold had been humoring his brother, who he thought had lost it until he sees the cremation room (they call the retort an 'oven', massive DUH) and smells, I mean sees all the slowly reanimating bodies slinking here and there. The makeup and gore was decent enough, I'm sure their budget was huge, they just didn't do a whole lot with it. Probably concentrating on that 3D factor - you know, guns pointed out, zombies jumping at you, I'm sure it was worth the extra $4 to $6 you paid for it <snicker>.

So after Harold gets bit and all the ancillary characters except the smart girl (there's always one) die, get up and then die again after delivering gems of dialogue such as 'It's almost like she was a movie zombie.' we end with Gerald taking the shaken but still alive smart girl to his office where he tells her to swallow 'an energy drink'. Suddenly she's not so smart and she does... of course it's the goo that's been zombifying everything. Now we get to see what it does to a live person... oops nope we don't 'cause the movie's over. Duh.