Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU







Plasterhead (2007)

Here's a tip: When you go to (mumble mumble) College and you're taking a break in Florida, stay on the highway. I don't care how bad the traffic gets, STAY ON THE FREAKING HIGHWAY. Of course if college kids did that, about 2/3 of today's horror movies would... well, they'd have to be written better, wouldn't they?


This story takes place in West Virginia in (mumble mumble) and I'm going to give you the backstory now instead of making you wait half the movie like this pile does - the longest movie I've ever seen I swear. In this (mumble mumble) town where they won't even deliver gas (but food seems to be okay), a large black trucker weary from a long drive stops in for a drink. 


Since he's a brother of another color, of course all the locals see is some Friday night fun - they beat the crud out of him (doubtful, since he's supposed to be huge and these guys are the size of mosquitos) so badly he's unrecognizable. They then dump his body in a deserted (albeit perfectly clean - not a dust mite nor a cobweb) house and the local sheriff covers for them. The man becomes Plasterhead - covering his face with bandages since, well, his face really isn't there anymore.


And we have four college students that are not only unlikeable, they're anonymous - nowhere in the movie do we get a clue to their character, except for one of the girls is a bitch. Naturally. The other is smart - there's always one.

So in the SLOWEST FREAKING SLASHER FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN with the absolute worst soundtrack (you'll think a billion mosquitoes 
somehow got into your house) these four get trapped in this (mumble mumble) town without gas and decide to explore this house for, uh, about 93 minutes minus the credits. It's not worth mapping out so lets sum up:


Bitch girl gets it first, preppie boy is caught and chained up, the local sheriff takes care of the other guy by shooting him and that leaves the smart girl. Not only does she leave behind the shot guy who is NOT dead, she screams away in the cop car, hitting the preppie dude who was chained but got free. She looks at him for a couple of seconds, then drives on. Oh, smart AND a bitch. And thankfully the end of this horrid tale.