Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU






Vampegeddon (2010)

Ah c'mon who can resist a title like this one? And it does involve college students dying so - yeah, bring on the pain! Actually the main reason I picked this one is because of a couple of reviews that were under it that made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself. Since they're anonymous I think it's safe to copy them here:

1st Story: I worked on this film. We knew it was bad when we were filming. The production team consisted of a bunch of film students shooting nonsense in the Arizona desert on a $2500 budget. We shot the whole thing in about 10 days. And to be honest, most of us were drunk a good portion of the time. Fun was had by all.We apologize for this film.

2nd Story: I worked on this as well, and I can confirm what the other guy said. I, for one, was incredibly drunk through the entire shoot. I don't think anyone involved thought that this would ever wind up anywhere other than a garbage bin.This will probably be the worst film you ever see. Please, please do not watch it.


After reading that, how could anyone resist finding out what is just so bad about this movie? Especially me. So we have the basic vampire story, according to this film starting in 1213, and leading up to the great exodus of vampires from Europe into the new world. We then get a bit of the 1800's as the main hunter confronts the main vampire. Both 'die'.

Fast forward to the present and five college friends, trying to portray goth kids. It's not flattering. Goth kids get so much abuse anyway that's undeserved, just because of the way they look and these idiots portray them in the worst light. One of the girls wants out of their dead end town by becoming, uh, undead I guess. How that would help I dunno. But her logic of 'If I don't become one of the undead I will be stuck forever in this place.' doesn't make sense at all. But then again these five also are pushing 30 so we're not really sticking to authenticity or logic here.



And there's no story. The makeup was drop dead funny, the soundtrack kept cutting in and out and the cinematography was a laugh and a half. The costumes? Apparently vampires love wearing cheap black capes down to the ground as well as red lace uh, scarves? We've got goth kids looking for a thrill, two massive idiots looking to mess with the goth kids, and a vampire looking for a new, uh, life? 

The girl who wants to be undead named Melissa passes a strange garage sale where the man insists she take an ancient book - he being what I guess you'd call a ghoul or something as he receives a bunch of bites from sexy women who all looked exactly alike.



Long story short, the kids succeed and the main vamp is resurrected - and so is the hunter, into the body of one of the girls, Liz. Suddenly she has the hunter's English accent and is kickass around vampires. The main vamp prepares Melissa for 'marriage' in the longest scene of nothing I have ever had the pain to witness. He basically spends about 20 minutes feeling her up while she's in bra and panties. Then they lose the bra, probably sensing they're losing their audience. More feeling up, blood being spilled all over her. 

Her other friends (except for Liz) are now either vamps or dead. But it comes down to the main vamp and the hunter once again and once again the vamp is vanquished. He is stabbed in the heart (duh) but there is no blood and no hole in his shirt. Okay that's just plain lazy.



Since Melissa is a lesbian and Liz, still possessed by the hunter was a heterosexual man they now have a chance at some sort of relationship - for some reason, Melissa is still 'marked' and so Liz says she has to be protected. Why? Oh no, you're not going to ask for logic at this point are you? Besides, the movie's over.

Oh but one thing: I'd love to have the ring the main vamp had on his middle finger - it ran the length of his finger and was really bitchin'. Sorry about that but I can be silly too.