Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


100 Tears (2007)

I have friends deathly afraid of clowns. I'm not terribly fond of 'em myself. Stephen King's It pretty much finished off any wish I might have had to get anywhere near one. This movie will cement it for you if you have any doubts at all. I wasn't sure about this movie, seeing as how I seem to have been picking horrible movies lately and wanted something halfway decent that I haven't already seen a hundred times. You almost got treated to yet another review of The Frighteners 'cause I just watched that again, not realizing that I've done that one already. 

Not that it would be bad, it's still a kick-ass movie. But nope, we're gonna talk about a clown with a bloody suit and an oversized meat cleaver that he uses to reduce humans to mulch. I don't think I've seen so much goop since Dead Alive. And it was pretty cheap goop - the whole movie came in at $75,000 - not bad at all. I don't know what it is about goop that makes the ratings system go all 'Oh no! We can't have goop!' That kind of attitude is what kept Dead Alive from achieving cult status until LOTR, and it's also probably why this movie was rated NC-17.

This was a halfway decent effort as a movie. They tried to make it a mystery/horror film, as two reporters for a tabloid are looking for a story that will be different than the monkey boy or Bigfoot stories they've been stuck with. They notice a series of murders that seem to follow a circus around, although the police are stone dumb and don't seem to make the connection. 

The clown doesn't seem to pick any particular sex or age for his whack attacks and the blood flows heavy and the gore is pretty respectable. His backstory is blissfully brief: His name is Gurdy and he was accused of raping a girl he was in love with - she apparently didn't defend him. 

So the strongman beats the ever living crap out of him. He snaps and now uses his super duper chopping tool to make mincemeat out of anything he chooses. But he is really looking for his ex-girlfriend - ultimate revenge.

The movie is stalled a lot with interaction between the two reporters and the clues they try to follow, but there's more than enough decapitations:

Drinking Game

1. Every time a head is lopped off, take a drink.
2. Every time the female reporter makes the male reporter feel stupid, take a drink.
3. Every time you see intestines, take a drink.
4. Every time the police ignore something obvious, take a drink.
5. Every time the clown cocks his head to the side and smiles before the slaughter take a drink.
6. Every time you curse my name for listing this movie take a drink.

As usual, please use soda for this game, otherwise you're gonna get plowed.

Anyway... the clown finds his ex-girlfriend but she was already dead - killed by his equally psycho daughter who now wants to join him in the slaughter. She chooses an oversized sledgehammer which she shouldn't even be able to lift but seems to hit people hard enough to make pate'.

Do the reporters win? Does the clown get defeated? Does the daughter realize that she needs help? Do the killings stop? Do we get an explanation as to why this movie is called 100 Tears?