Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, January 7, 2013


Spiderhole (2010) UK/Ireland

I don't know what it is about those who are students thinking that they are somehow privileged people that deserve more than other people get. It makes it pretty hard to feel anything for them, much less be sorry for them when they get themselves killed in movies like this.

In this case it is London (and parts filmed in Ireland but I don't know which parts) and four art students (close enough to college I guess) are tired of the bourgeois lifestyles of the people around them. At least that's what they're telling themselves - actually they can't afford being students and are looking for a free ticket to continue their studies (and parties) without the expense.

Official squatters symbol.

Squatting consists of occupying an abandoned or unoccupied area of land and/or a building - usually residential - that the squatter does not own, rent or otherwise have lawful permission to use. There may be  one billion squatters globally, that is, about one in every seven people on the planet. Some 'squat' at properties for political reasons. These kids are just cheap.

So they look around. It's not that hard to find abandoned properties, especially with the world economy pretty much in the dumper. Sure enough, the same day they find a huge house, boarded up and they are home. Now while they were packing, there was a news story blaring on the TV - veteran watchers of horror movies know this is a crummy but much used way to provide backstory or warning that is universally ignored. 

It seems that about 20 years ago a family of three disappeared - mother, father, little girl named Daisy Grey. The parents were found cut apart and flung in a field, the little girl never was found. Remember that. And it's okay if you roll your eyes 'cause yes, that just gave away the rest of the movie.

From the beginning these four, two guys, two girls, are completely unlikable. Feeling society 'owes' them and squatting is their 'right' they bust into this house and make themselves at home. They're kind of unsettled by the place, as it seems to make a lot of noise, and is fortified with steel. But they settle down to party for their first night, getting drunk. They wake in a stupor, one is violently ill. They don't believe it was the alcohol. Although it is well into morning, it's still dark inside.

To their horror (and me rolling my eyes) they find that all the doors they busted into and put their own locks on have been bolted shut from the inside - the windows also have bolted steel on them and there is no way out. They frantically start looking for any exit and this is where it goes from annoying to downright teeth gritting. 

These four turn quickly into blubbering wussies, crying, panicking, slamming and breaking things in their attempt to find a way out. It's no use - apparently they were gassed (they assume) and while they were out their fate was sealed (sorry for the pun). 

Then one of the boys disappears. They have no idea what happened to him but they hear his screams throughout the house. Earlier they had found a room with four crudely made metal chairs (duh) and they run there thinking to find him - a bit too late. All they find is fresh blood on the floor.

If you think it's going to get really exciting from here, sorry. What we get is interminable whining and crying (mostly from the other guy, sheesh) as they continue to panic and try to break out. It's not going to happen. The first guy to disappear, Toby, is finally seen with our antagonist - an old man for crying out loud, these people can't fight that? 

His backstory in a nutshell: He idolized his father (has a shrine for him) who was a surgeon, attacked and killed by ???, and his son got enough medical training as a morgue attendant to exact his revenge on.... well, not on the killers, but on everyone else.

Toby has been mildly tortured but now it's the big leagues - he loses an eye. The other two run (one girl can't - the guy cut her legs off) but are gassed as well after being tricked into beating Toby to death (he was dressed in the same overalls as the, uh, psycho I guess) and find themselves about to meet their fates.

Oh, the TV news item that was so conveniently placed? Well this is the guy who grabbed the family 20 years ago - and he has been doing it to squatters who come to his place (apparently on a pretty regular basis) ever since. Our last scene is the final survivor the smart girl (there's always one) being thrown into a room with a wild-eyed girl dressed in rags. 

Daisy Grey is still alive, nothing but an animal now, and obviously has been living on the 'scraps' the old guy tosses to her. And this last girl still has a hell of a lot of meat. Daisy rushes the girl as she screams and thank heavens this snivel fest is over.