Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

SNOOZEFEST




7 Days To Live (2000) Germany

We start this loooong snoozefest with an entry from Germany. Not a good entry unfortunately. This movie could easily be given a steady rotation of viewing on the channel Lifetime (because men are bad and they will hurt you). We have the huge yawn setup: A young couple lose their son to, umm, okay I'm not kidding, a bee gets in his cereal and he swallows it and is either allergic or the bee swelled to the size of an apricot and he can't breathe and dies. Really.


They decide since that was just so... convenient, they're going to move out to the country in this huge mansion and... stare at each other I guess. Now right away Amanda's character Ellen starts getting freaky deaky signs that she's going to die - mainly, from things telling her she's going to die. Duh. 

First it's a 7 on the mirror, a road sign telling her she has 6 days, the radio announcer telling her 5 and so on... meanwhile her husband, not the sharpest pencil in the box and as emotional as a piece of paper is turning into the husband from The Amityville Horror and gets more and more hostile towards her. See? Lifetime would eat that crap up. That's the basis for just about every movie they show.

The boring, not-really-explaining-anything reason for their troubles (and the troubles of other couples who have lived and died there) is that the house is surrounded by a swamp that was used as a mass grave in the Middle Ages and for some reason they've been there for the past two centuries and JUST NOW have decided they're pretty pissed about that. 

So... what? I have no idea but it culminates down to Ellen having to grow a bit of a spine, actually saving her husband although he really doesn't deserve it and getting the hell out of there back to the city and the deadly cereal bees. Oh and they write a titular book about their experiences. Maybe they SHOULD move to Amityville...