Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, March 15, 2013

BLATANTLY BAD BUT BLISSFULLY BRIEF





Splatter (2009)

This is kind of puzzling - it's described both as a movie and as a TV series - with ten episodes. But I could only find this 29 minute piece of puke that had some of the best (and worst) talent and best (and worst) effects and still managed to be boring as hell.

Also billed as Roger Corman Presents Splatter (I wouldn't be bragging about this if I were you Roger), it supposedly follows a story written by Richard Christian Matheson, one of my favorite horror writers, and Joe Dante, a... well, supposedly a good director. The two main names are Corey Feldman and Tony Todd. Yikes.

We begin with Jonny Splatter (Corey Feldman), rock god, about to blow his own brains out but not before putting a curse on all those he figures ruined his life (you know, 'cause he had a huge castle, all the money in the world and tons of fans but hey, nothing really important). Since this was supposed to be a series I was curious about what we would be treated to if such a series existed. Here are the episodes (if they actually exist):
  • Where There's a Will: The acquaintances of a dead dead rock musician gathers to hear his will only to discover they are in the middle of an elaborate plot for revenge.
  • Kill Fiona: Johnny Splatter deals with Fionna leaving Mortis and Spencer.
  • Kill Mortis: Johnny Splatter deals with Mortis leaving Fiona and Spencer.
  • Kill Spencer: Johnny Splatter deals with his manager Spencer leaving Fiona and Mortis.
  • Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
  • Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
  • Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin
  • Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
  • Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
  • Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
I only include this list because it seems to be part of a big joke, that and they manage to misspell the main character's name in every episode. Do these episodes exist? Do you really REALLY want them to?

Nice expression - I guess squibs must tickle...
Back to our horrid 29 minutes that should have been at least passable if not great. There is Jonny, with his fake gun, greasy black hair and makeup (Is he supposed to be a death metal singer or just heavy metal?) but wait - on the right side of your screen (the left side of Jonny's head), where in a few seconds what's supposed to be Jonny's brain matter gets splatted there's... well damn, you can see the squibs and other squishies ready to explode on cue. Oh man, that. Is. Hilarious. There's a list of five makeup, special effects and hair 'artists' listed, and I'll bet they're all unemployed right now.

Nice, small set 'cause hey, space is expensive...
It only gets worse and much more contrived. One by one he kills off those he says 'ruined' him (Corey, look in the mirror man, there's your real enemy.) until there's only Tony Todd left because hey, he's the one paid the most money. We've had Jonny give each traitor death by electrocution, heart ripping, neck ripping, and ear blowing out from an overly loud guitar (Do you know of ONE musician that would keep a super expensive guitar in a glass case just to put a cheap piece of paper in one corner showing how much the instrument was worth? Didn't think so.). 

Best Corey's looked in years...
Tony Todd has a book of voodoo and so to save his skin and put Jonny in his coffin for good, he starts chopping off a piece of each unfortunate, throwing them in a bag with a bit of his own blood and throwing THAT on a fire with an incantation. Jonny's rotting corpse (Did I forget to mention he became a zombie? Probably because you can forget him just that fast...) which has been getting more and more rotten comes to a halt. To keep the bag from completely burning, he decides to work with his agent Spencer (Tony Todd) and continue his 'act' - oh goody, a corpse band - somebody call Tim Burton. To make it 'work', Jonny re-animates his band members (it only shows one but you've gotta assume) and our 29 embarrassing minutes are over. Maybe what they found out was that this was just soooo terrible that they took all the episodes and slimmed it down to under half an hour. We can only hope.

Thanks a lot Roger Corman.