Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, March 18, 2013

THREE SLICES OF BOREDOM WITH A SPLASH OF BLOOD ON THE SIDE





Three Slices Of Life aka Slices Of Life (2010)

Not aware that this was yet another anthology of short stories (a big duh on my part since it SAYS three slices, at least on some of the posters) I was curious about the premise of a girl who can't remember her life yet there's a sketchbook full of stuff and she wonders if she really wants to remember anything after all. The poster of a girl soaked with blood also, I must admit, got me interested. This independent film took four years to make. That must be because Anthony G Sumner probably only had the weekends to work on it. Just kidding. Barely. And this movie is a little interesting. Again, barely.



Our wraparound story is simple: A girl named Mira wakes on the lawn of a seedy motel. She apparently works and lives there. She has no idea, however, of what has happened to her or really much else. However she takes her place in the motel office, with whispers of 'wake up' and 'remember' being constant in her ears. Among the things on the ground beside her is a nasty looking book (I mean the look, not the content) which definitely looks as if the writer took liberties and tried to copy the look of the Necronomicon. She looks at the book - on the front it says Work Life and she opens it up...


Work Life: A clerk at a computer firm wants to be liked. By anyone. He completes an online computer programming course and figures that he should be promoted and work upstairs with the others instead of in the basement by himself where he spends most of his life. Covering for another employee's shift he tries an online 'chat' service, but every woman simply laughs in his face and cuts the connection. 

Meanwhile upstairs in the real world, employees step on each other trying to advance, mainly by coming up with ideas the boss will like. One has what he thinks is the perfect product. It is nanoadvertising - by clicking on the site, the customer will be induced to like the product, and MUST buy it. The boss rejects it, seeing only lawsuits by people being electrocuted by their computers.

The clerk, who everybody calls 'Worm' (ha ha ha... no, that's not clever, sorry) steals the disc and loads it onto his computer. Now EVERY woman on the dating site wants him, and we have a weird scene reminiscent of Videodrome and not in a good way as his computer keyboard and mouse seem to become flesh. Ick. He then decides in order for his co-workers to like him, he must send an email with this 'worm' in it to all his coworkers. The effects are not what he expected. 

After epileptic fits and foaming at the mouth, all the workers in his building have now become zombies. Makeup and effects? Eh, good enough. Four years of production good enough? Not really. But to be fair, it is an independent film and compared to some big money productions it did work well enough. 

After almost being chomped by his now devoted (and undead) coworkers (I've worked in offices like that - I swear with some of these same people) he escapes to his basement where he finds a pretty girl who was a temp upstairs and didn't know how to work her email and so was unaffected. He is overjoyed to have someone while they hear gunshots upstairs - the government didn't waste time on this one, they were there within ten minutes of the outbreak. Wow, it usually takes them ten minutes just to take an emergency call. Sorry, that's mean but true. 

But just as 'Worm' is about to kiss his new girl, a new hole appears in her head. Good splatter though. The hazmat dressed assassins, recognizing somehow that not only is he human but he started the whole mess, take him with them to... wherever zombie masters go. Now 'Worm', who only wanted a friend, will spend the rest of his life alone in isolation as he is studied by faceless workers.

Back at the motel Mira comes to herself as if in a fugue. Her book has changed - it now says Home Life. She opens it up and starts to read...

Home Life: A young, very pregnant woman, enjoys a baby shower with friends when they hear of the recent Amber Alert on the news - young girls in the area have been disappearing for the last four months, the bodies of a couple of them have already been found. This disturbs her but her husband is a police officer working on the case so she tries not to think about it. She hears children's voices outside and looking out the window sees one young girl standing there. 

Now I have to break in this story and say that this, while being the most obvious story with obvious ending had a lot of what-the-hell moments in it, I'll tell you why. The girl who calls herself Ally doesn't want to open her eyes but stands in the yard, even when the woman offers to call her mother. She then morphs into a demon looking horror. The woman gets bad contractions whenever she sees her.

And now, the TV keeps turning itself on, always on the Amber Alert story, and the three dead girls found so far are haunting her, telling her they want her baby. Does that make sense? She didn't do anything, why torture her? I mean this has the most obvious whodunit ending since there's only her and her husband, but why torture her? Anywho, this idiot cop keeps secret keys around his neck. One of the demon children attacks him and takes the keys. 

The woman is led to the shed she is not allowed to go into (D to the U to the H) and the key unlocks both the door and a small trunk inside a van (Did she not KNOW they owned a van?) and discovers the child the TV kept playing the Amber Alert for, still alive. She lets her out and here's hubby trying his best to look menacing but just looking stupid. He says 'I was going to have to wait another month to have my fun but I guess I'll start now.' Uh, what? He wanted a kid to mess it up? Kids have only been disappearing for four months, don't you think he'd be doing this a little longer and farther away from home... ah, never mind.

The little girl Ally who first appeared to her (and causes bad contractions whenever she sees her) comes again with demon face (pretty good, bad for the kid though, hope she didn't get nightmares) and attacks and kills the husband. She then goes to the woman who's water is breaking and says 'Mama I saved us.' Conveniently, the others disappear.

Back at the motel Mira keeps hearing whispering and now believes she sees the people from her stories at the motel. The book has changed again, it now reads Sex Life (Oh brother, here we go)...

Sex Life: This, for you gore fans was full and overflowing. You're gonna get tons of guts, gallons of blood, and apparently most of the film maker's budget on this story which is stupid, simple and silly but boy was it RED. Brother and sister, alone except for their uncle who has been sexually abusing the sister for years, decide to make a run for it when they think they've killed him. They end up in a wooded area where another story has been playing out.

A father is seen locking up his daughter in the basement. He then takes implements to cut a body in the bathtub apart (wait, that's not the good part) and putting the pieces in garbage bags goes off to the woods to bury them. He slips, hits his head and becomes unconscious. The brother and sister find him and being out of money and gas decide to take him to the hospital and stay in his house which is huge and full of everything they could need. 

They don't know about either the body or the girl but they soon find the girl and let her out. While she cleans up, they see tons of artwork and a family tree showing that the bloodline of Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed leads up to the girl they just released.

Quick history in case you didn't know: Elizabeth Báthory was from Hungary and was the most prolific female serial killer in history - although no one knows the precise count of how many she murdered. She is often referred to as the Blood Countess although some have also called her Countess Dracula. Her main thrill was bathing in the blood of virgins, believing that to be the source of immortality, or eternal youth.

Meanwhile the father has woken in the hospital and beats cleats to make it home to finish what he started.

The daughter has cleaned up and the boy catches a glimpse of her as she puts on a robe. To his delight she doesn't mind a bit, in fact, is quick to take him to bed. Unfortunately, his delight is short-lived as the last descendant of the Blood Countess reveals the 'secret' to her bloodlust (at least according to this movie) - she has some sort of blood lusting worm living in her... uh... you know. We are talking total blood spatter ladies and gentleman... much MUCH more blood than can possibly be in any one person, much less a handful. The boy is reduced to mulch in a very gory manner and the girl laughs and laughs as she revels in the blood and guts.

Her father, of course knowing exactly what she's capable of doing, grabs a gun and shoots her in the forehead. The sister, seeing him come home and expecting the worse of all adult males shows up just after, seeing her pieces of brother smeared all over the bed, all the blood and the shot girl on the floor. 

She of course thinks instantly the worst of the guy and takes a sledgehammer... apparently they weren't satisfied with just smashing the guy's head in - first she has to swing at his face, taking off his nose, most of the skin, muscle... hmm, must have been some razor blades on that hammer. He dies and she buries her face into her brother (ewww) and cries. Then notices something strange.

The girl is dead but she's slowly being dragged towards the wall. Once there she is sat up by... something. That's when we get to see our wiggle worm, the size of a Buick but somehow fitting nicely into this skinny girl. It now finds the only heartbeat in the room (I guess being a Bathory descendant doesn't matter to it anymore) and sloop! Sorry, sloop is a stupid word but it fits here -  sloop! It makes a new home in the sister's... you know. She gets a strange look on her face and the ending is obvious a mile away. Sure enough she shows up at dear ole' uncle's place and, well, you know.

Back at the motel Mira is now convinced the people in her changing book are at the motel and goes to talk to the owner - and discovers a horrifying (and predictable and boring and stupid) revelation: She has been living over and over and over again, writing stories on the skin of the older one as the newer one writes. Long story short (too late) Mira IS the owner of the motel in her newest form, and takes the older woman's skin (which has been already conveniently peeled for her as the woman proudly demonstrates) to write further stories.

Hmm Mr. Sumner, maybe you needed another year.