Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

LIFE ACCORDING TO SALAZAR





Killers Moon (1978) UK

This is the year 2013 so this movie has some really outdated views of women, treating them all as potential victims with little recourse if they are attacked. Oh, wait a minute, there are morons aplenty around this country that still believe this. Consider what the University of Colorado said to be a couple of things a woman can do as a last resort to prevent being raped. Last resort? Like we're supposed to talk nicely to them first? Like we're provoking them somehow? Of course there is no talk to men to teach them not to rape. Don't be silly. Here they are, outdated, ridiculous and dangerous:
  • Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating
  • Vomiting or urinating may also convince the attacker to leave you alone
Okay Einsteins, if you want your wives, sisters, daughters, etc. to do this as their sole way of defense, go ahead. The rest of us are going to make sure those guys never get another chance, much less a first one. They're gonna die. If that makes me politically incorrect, so be it. I'll at least be alive.

According to brain giant Democratic State Rep. Joe Salazar, we have no right to defend ourselves using weapons because we're incredibly stupid. Or as he puts it while explaining why women should have whistles instead of guns, "Because you just don't know who you are going to be shooting at. If you feel like you're going to be raped or if you feel like someone's been following you around or if you feel like you're in trouble and when you may actually not be -- that you pop out that gun and you pop-pop a round at somebody. And you might have just made a mistake."

'Cause we're stupid, right Joe? That's women for you - we're all just dumb, jumpy paranoids that would shoot at any movement or sound.

Okay, on with this horrid movie and why I'm mad - because apparently the general population is no more forward thinking about the rights of women now than they were in the 70's. This was made in the UK but the US was/is just as bad.

The basic premise is that a busload of schoolgirls (Who are actually I'm sure over 21 because of the nudity) on their way to a choir contest has their bus break down near an inn that's not quite open yet but take shelter there until help comes for them. Of course at the same time, three psychos escape from a mental facility that's been trying to treat them by telling them life is but a dream so do what you need to do to make your life real. If this makes no sense, just ask Rep. Salazar to explain it to you, I'm sure he knows.

So for 92 minutes you get to watch these three philosophize what is real and what is not while at the same time they murder and rape their way through this group of girls. It's brutal, it's stupid and just wrong. 

But my outrage wasn't complete until the movie comes to this bit of dialogue. Two of the girls are talking, one wants to die because of the humiliation suffered when she was raped. This was actually said to the girl: "Look, you were only raped, as long as you don't tell anyone about it you'll be alright. You pretend it never happened, I'll pretend I never saw it and if we get out of this alive, well, maybe we'll both live to be wives and mothers."

The three psychos constantly babble about whether anything their doing or experiencing is actually real. One says, "Of course it's a dream! And stuffed full of jailbait!" That would explain why they felt the need to rip all those girls blouses (none with bras). 

WHAT??? The three are of course eventually vanquished and the girls are rescued (after all the damage has already been done) but still... wow. The photography sucks, the dialogue is full of the dubious wisdom as noted above, and the acting - well, it was horrible.

Excuse me, I think I need to vomit - or maybe piss myself. You never know, better to be prepared.