Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

MOVIES I'VE REVIEWED AND WISHED I'D FORGOTTEN




Chain Letter (2009)

Now that I have an index up and running (and am busy adding to it so you can find whatever it is you want) as of 2014, this was one movie that was so familiar sounding that I had hoped I hadn't already reviewed it because it was total crap and total crap that has sat and fermented and been reviewed is... just awful. But lucky you, this was the only review of this movie and the only time I will watch it - and you shouldn't watch it at all.

I watched this 'cause of Brad Dourif, one of those character actors I'll watch in anything (you probably know him best as the voice of Chucky), even if it's about stupid high school kids and their symbiotic relationship with their electronic toys. The movie starts with a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche (you know, Hitler's favorite writer): 'Life is a dark chain of events.' I think they only used it 'cause it had the word 'chain' in it.

It's a massive duh that this and the next generation has become glued to their toys. When they actually have to pass laws to prevent people from texting and driving, I think that's a good indication that things have become really ridiculous. I myself have had the same dumbphone for almost seven years and I'm not changing until the poor little thing finally gives out. It's the middle of 2014 now and it's still going just fine. 

I've got to give Sanyo props - after all this time the battery still holds a good charge, it of course makes phone calls and I do NOT have any apps or use it to FB or text (unless it's a short note to the hubby). The only device in my house that could be considered a 'smart' device I didn't touch for so long it went completely dead so I had to buy a charger for something I didn't want in the first place and still haven't set it up as of 7/14 to use for anything. I think the dumbest device is me.

Chain letters have been around when snail mail was the only means of contacting a large number of people. If you had use of a copier, you really could push stuff around. Chain letters usually had the same format - you had to send it to ten or twenty or so people or bad luck would befall you. They really, really worked. No, really! I promise you they worked.... okay okay you caught me. They were as real and reliable as a Nigerian prince. As the internet got up and running, chain letters by email became very popular as it was quite easy to purchase or just get your hands on a huge list of people to pester. 


At least it isn't one of those 'Pass this
prayer on or Jesus will cry' messages...
Then we got Facebook, who forced us to have an email in their name. Thanks a lot. Now even more can pass the garbage around. Not that you need an email to do that. How many posters appear on your Facebook page a week stating that if you spit on your cat, do a little happy dance, lick your refrigerator and fart in your pajamas that you will have good luck for the rest of the month but do it within five minutes or it will be bad luck. And how many of your 'friends' insist on passing this tripe around endlessly?

I guess this movie was trying to make a statement but what it did was just become another one of those movies with a bunch of privileged teenagers you want dead as soon as you see them. Oh and Mr. Director? Using flashes of light and shaking the camera back and forth does not create suspense, it creates a hell of a headache. Just a heads up. We start with a girl taped up and chained to what are apparently two cars who, when they go separate directions...

So someone who hates technology for no particular reason (oh it will kill us - so will a thousand other things) has decided to teach a small group of teenagers a lesson - a lethal one. Each gets a chain letter and must pass it on to five friends within 24 hours or a life will be lost. Personally I was rooting for them to just delete the thing so somebody would die - that would mean the movie is getting closer and closer to the end.


Which they do. There are some particularly gory ways in which these kids are splatted by faceless attackers and the splatter and gore is pretty respectable, even if the story has more holes than swiss cheese. Finally we're down to the smart girl (there's always one) who, at the end, wakes to find herself (say it with me - SAY IT) taped and chained up to two different cars. They belong to her parents who are so self absorbed they 1. Don't look at the car they're getting into; 2. Don't hear the chain as the car starts to move; 3. Don't look in their rearview mirrors; 4. 

Even when a car screeches in front of them they don't stop long enough for the male teen who's trying to stop them from moving (Hey wait, a teenager's still alive, what the hell?) but they ignore him. Only the mother finally looks and sees but her husband has already started zooming down the road with half of his daughter dragging on the road behind him. Huh, I guess there was no smart girl in this movie after all.