Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

MOVIES I'VE REVIEWED THAT I WISH COULD BE FORGOTTEN




Maskerade aka Mask Maker (2010)

Oh wow what a stinker. When they said it was about a guy buying a 19th century plantation I figured it was about cursed property or something, and when he goes with his fiancee' and friends people start to die. I wish it was that interesting. It was directed by Griff Furst, whose only appearance I welcomed was as an actor in Dead Men Walking (2005), a zombie film set in a prison. Past that, apparently he's into bit parts and directing movies like Swamp Shark and Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators.


Jason and Jeremy London. Twins with looks (well, their looks are past tense I guess), charm, talent, and really lousy life choices. We'll skirt the personal stuff and stick with this sorry mess of a movie. And Treat Williams? Ah dude, you look awful.

Let's get this crap out quick. This is not a period piece - only a couple of decades ago at most, a man was cheating on his wife with... somebody, they're really stingy with backstory on this one. There was a bastard child, whom the wife called retarded, who developed some kind of flesh eating disease on his face and finally died. The lover, scorned and wanting her son back used some sort of Cajun voodoo, sacrificed a baby and got her son back - for a moment. The locals strung her up and when the zombie son tried to save her they pierced both with, I dunno, some kind of voodoo stick. They buried them that way, the stick still in him, like a vampire.


So here comes Evan - he got the plantation for almost nothing and puts it in his fiancee's name. She's not thrilled but decides to make the best of it. He invites four others 'cause hey, we've got to have some victims. He then of course finds the stick, pulls it out and gags at the horrible smell that comes up. Duh. So like a vampire/zombie/monster, the re-re-revived icky thing crawls out (no sign of mommy's body, whoops) and starts killing whoever is handy, stripping their faces off and using them as his own.

So you get a couple of nude shots, some pretty decent gore I guess until everybody's dead except the smart fiancee' (there's always one) who lives although she's prevented from burning the... thing. Jeremy London makes a brief cameo at the end looking... not well.

The fiancee' drives off, having lost everyone and everything. She pulls off to the side of the road to have a good cry when a cop car stops behind her because the... thing, of course never having left the house or having any driving experience, knew enough to steal the cop's face and his car and catch up to her. He twists her head around and throws her in the back of the cop car. Huh, again I guess there was no smart girl in this movie either (see Chain Letter).