Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, March 15, 2013


A Thousand Cuts (2011)

I seriously recommend that you gals take your man and sit him down to watch this movie - that is, if he's done something lately to seriously piss you off. I mean, what better revenge could there be than basically 77 minutes of two men staring at each other sharing their most painful moments? And the ending, ah, what an inspiration.

Of course I'm being totally facetious - but if you have somebody tied up (I don't want to know why) this is the perfect torture vehicle to have them saying 'Por favor no mas!' in record time.

Breaking this down briefly: A director named Lance made a horror movie called A Thousand Cuts. It basically was about a serial killer who uses the ancient Chinese torture method of Death Of A Thousand Cuts, which they used and perfected. It was a horribly slow, extremely painful way to die. So is this movie. Just kidding. A little. Anywho, some whack job decided that looked like fun so he kidnaps a college girl and by the time he's done, she's mincemeat and very dead. He gets the death penalty, Lance gets tons of money to make sequels. Hey, it's America, right?

Frank crashes Lance's party, pretending he's an electrician and sits and talks to Lance a while. But soon it's apparent that something else is going on - Lance finds himself tied up, his niece is somewhere perhaps dying, and Frank is going to tell Lance why. For 77 freaking minutes.

Yup, Frank is that young girl's father. A real sad sack of a man, his actions and his lack of fury or any strong emotion made me get out my Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending) movie pad and boom, my review was done. I was right on. We get to see them go back and forth, Frank arguing for responsibility on the part of film makers, Lance for saying if there were no movies, there would still be serial killers. Which makes sense, like if there were no assault weapons, there would still be bad people shooting good people. It's not the tool or the medium, it's the person's responsibility, period.

Whoops, I digress - because this movie is just. That. Boring. And you probably guessed the ending as well as I did. Frank claims he's doing all sorts of bad things to Lance's niece - raping her, cutting little pieces of flesh off of her but I wasn't convinced for one second. And sure enough, he was bluffing. But Lance didn't know that 'cause he's movie stupid and gets free and kills Frank. When he sees that his niece is untouched and Frank wanted to die 'cause he couldn't live without his daughter, Lance breaks. Ahh, poor little millionaire.

In the end, Lance quits his job, sells everything and ends up a drifter on the road. He bumps into a fellow drifter who looks suspiciously like Frank. They eye each other before walking on. What an inspiring story. Now excuse me, I have some sleeping pills to take. A LOT of sleeping pills.