Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, March 1, 2013

HORROR BY THE NUMBERS





11/11/11 (2011)

Well children, we're over the 20,000 mark and I thank you all so very much for your willingness to indulge me with my little project here. I've enjoyed so much getting to review movies (even when they're really REALLY horrible) and hope to be doing this for a long time. It's not only fun for me but therapeutic. Again, I really have to thank all of you and apologize for celebrating this with the following terrible movie. It's by Asylum, a film company where you can be assured that what you see it utter and complete crap.

I looked this movie up and found that there is ANOTHER 11/11/11 movie that also came out in 2011 that was about... well, never mind. Let's just say that from the description it was by far a superior movie to this one.

Some people are really hooked on numbers. They try to find significance not only in their lives with numbers but answers to the great mysteries in the universe. For some, numbers are like a code, a sign for events in their lives. I'm not going to make fun of that - it's a religion to some like any other. But this movie is an insult to numerologists as well as the rest of us.


Okay, who farted?
Okay the basic premise is that, according to this neighborhood that this couple and their son conveniently just moved into, on 11/11/11 there will rise their new leader, an agent of Satan, a demon child of 11, basically. They meet in a van. Why not use one of their houses? Duh, so the father can see them and wonder hmm, what are they doing? The obviousness and stupidity is present throughout this farce of a horror film and direct ripoff (done horribly) of The Omen.



Carry this really hot pot for mom but don't kill me, 'kay?
The boy is initially nice but turns rotten quickly under the influence of the helpful neighbors. His nanny doesn't hang herself for him, but she does teach him how to burn butterflies and other nasty little things. She keeps reading a book that the father gets pissed and keeps throwing away about the significance of the number 11. Really, really dumb stuff, like "Eleven is the first number you can't count on your fingers - human fingers anyway." Oh wow. How profound. One page shows a temple (I'm guessing they're pretending it to be Mayan) that says the 'evil one' will appear on... well I could keep repeating the date over and over but I think you get the idea. And it continues... wearily... for 87 minutes.

I looked up what significance the number 11 is supposed to have and, well, my humble conclusion is that you can take any number you want and if you work at it hard enough, you can make it work into anything. I mean really. 

So of course since these types of movies don't end well (or fast enough), the mother gets killed and the father, finally into what the whackos were believing and believing it himself, kills his son. And goes to jail. The end. Wow, what a movie. I bet if you took 11 monkeys with 11 typewriters and put them in 11 rooms for 11 years making them work 11 hours a day... absolutely nothing would happen. Just like this movie.