Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


2001 Maniacs (2005)

July 23, 2012 I had the pleasure of reviewing the 1964 chew-'em-up-spit-'em-out movie Two Thousand Maniacs!, a Southern revenge movie, with my friend Tim Forston. While he can't help me out with this remake review (Come back soon buddy, we miss you!) and I knew the remake wouldn't be near as good as the original, hey, it had Robert Englund in it and you know how I am about watching certain character actors no matter what the movie. Woof, what a stinker. 

While the 1964 film was labelled as a 'splatter' film although only three people died and with not much blood, it was a lot of fun. The characters were great, the Southerners were NOT depicted as just being hicks or ill bred and I enjoyed it. This one was played for the sheer gross factor and splatter and gore was aplenty throughout. I understand that in 2010 a re-remake was done called 2001 Maniacs: Field Of Screams. I will be skipping that one, thank you.

It's called a comedy horror film I think only because it's funny to watch snotty college kids get killed. I'm kidding of course. Well, maybe just a little. This film updates the original in that instead of six random people being picked to be rerouted to the town of Pleasantville, we've got college kids and a motorcycle with (gulp) an 'N' word gentleman and a 'C' word woman (these Southerners were playing hick to the hilt). The Mayor of the town in fact was pissed that these two were brought in but the ones doing the detour couldn't see their 'colors' under their motorcycle gear so... they made do I guess.

They still centered the movie on the basic story that the town of Pleasantville was cut down by Yankee troops, although most were women and children during the Civil War. Now the town, population 2001 (I have no idea why they added one over the original) can't rest until they kill 2001 Yankees in retribution. Duh. I mean that's silly since... well war sucks anyway and this was as good a story as any I guess.

Robert Englund as the mayor does his usual over-the-top acting with a lot of sarcasm and wit. The other standout is a man who is a fine director and an actor with such a distinct voice that as soon as he was on the screen I knew him instantly as the man who played the stoner deputy in both Cabin Fever and Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. He's got this voice... well, let's just say you can pick him out of a crowd, that's for sure. That would be Giuseppe Andrews by the way. He. Is. Hilarious. And how he managed to look exactly the same in both CF movies though they were eight years apart I will never know.

Okay, since this is more gore than humor, our splatter guests of the 'Guts And Glory Jubilee' die in the following ways:

  • Girl - Drawn and quartered. She is later skinned and served as dinner to the group.
  • Boy - Drinks moonshine that actually is acid.
  • Girl - Crushed by a heavy bell.
  • Boy - Hog tied and fatally pierced from end-to-end with a roasting spit.
  • Boy - Tied to a cotton press and crushed to death.
  • Boy - Castrated, then eaten.
  • Boy and Girl Survivor - Go to the sheriff, find out Pleasantville is a cemetery as in the original, ride away on a motorcycle, but since this is the age of no happy endings, both are decapitated by a strand of barbed wire strung across the road.

 Watch the original for the color and the fun - watch this one if you just want a naked shot or two and lots of gore. Don't watch the sequel.