Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, March 14, 2013


Bereavement (2010)

This was an overly long movie with no happy ending that could easily had at least 20 minutes shaved from it and made the same point. Or at least come to the same end. The only name in this one is Michael Biehn, which is why I watched it.

A man whose father was a nasty taskmaster at a meat packing plant turns into a serial killer, presumably because daddy let him feed all the baby animals and then made him slaughter them when they were older (never pet what you eat, I learned that the hard way as a kid). He finds a boy named Martin who just happens to have CIPA, a genetic disorder where a person cannot feel pain. 

Since the boy makes no protest when cut with a knife the man assumes that means that he is not frightened and will be a good replacement for him when he is unable to, uh, kill any more I guess. He keeps him in the basement with his victims for five years.

Enter Allison, a 17 year old who was recently orphaned. She comes to live with her uncle (Michael Biehn) and his wife and girl. She's a runner and while out jogging meets apparently the only boy in the whole state she's moved to named William, who her uncle claims is no good.

So the story drags on - if you want to know what happens for over an hour just read the second and third paragraph a couple of times 'cause that's about it. Finally, after getting into a hissy fit with her uncle she leaves for... wherever and ends up at the old meat packing plant because she sees the boy in there. She tries to rescue him but the killer returns and locks her in a cooler where she finds body parts of previous victims. 

Her uncle comes to rescue her BLAM he's shot dead. William comes and gets as far as the door when BLAM he's bludgeoned to death with a shovel. But somehow Allison gets out, grabs the boy as she figures he's a victim, and takes off for home. When she gets there BLAM the killer shows up and stabs her aunt. She tells the niece to hide upstairs. BLAM Allison's stabbed to death by the boy who's learned his lessons pretty well. BLAM the boy, on a roll, takes an axe and kills the murderer.

We don't get to see him dispatch the niece but BLAM anyway. He then leaves as the house burns, the fire started by the killer. The police, apparently not having much CSI experience just figure all were trapped in the burning house. No word on William, oh well.

The end of this horrid piece shows five years later AGAIN where a young girl runs and knocks on his door. The boy, now bigger (and magically finding clothes that fit) just turns and looks at her. The end.

Did you learn anything? No? Well, be glad you didn't have to watch this crap then.