Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, March 15, 2013

NETFLIX YOUR PRIORITIES ARE SERIOUSLY SCREWED UP





7 Below aka 7 Below Zero aka Se7en Below (2012)

Why oh why oh why am I getting all horrible movies when I'm picking ones that either have decent looking premises or at least a good actor in them? This was just... ugh. What the hell does 7 below mean? If you know please tell me because the movie says nothing. And what the hell Netflix? I wrote a brief review of this movie on their website and they rejected it 'cause I called Ving's character a 'smug bastard'. Oh yeah, you can have movies like Splatter, Frankenqueen, Stripperland! and my favorite title Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives (no I did NOT watch that one) but I can't call Ving a bastard? Nice.

Usually backstory in a movie can get tedious but hey, SOME explanation is good - and not vague statements made solemnly by a very smug Ving Rhames. And I'm sorry for not giving credit where credit is due 'cause I didn't say this first but it is very obvious that Val Kilmer is turning into a potato. A whiny bitch of a potato - certainly a long way from the Iceman that's for sure.

We've got a van of vacationers going... somewhere and the characters are right out of some script writing class: We have our unhappy couple, our two brothers trying to reconnect, a doctor and the driver. They stop for gas and we get to have the fact that the husband is a bastard shoved in our face (Val you were never subtle, were you?) when his wife asks for a coffee and he does everything but. One of the brothers makes extended eye contact with the pretty cashier and we're on our way.

A figure of a woman in a white dress appears in the road and the driver, being movie stupid veers off the road right into a tree. Which conveniently kills him but doesn't serious hurt anyone else. DUH. Ving shows up in his pickup, tells them all a huge storm is coming and to use the phone at his house. Uh, the gas station was just a few miles... ah never mind. Get out your Horror Movie Worksheets (patent pending) kids. Oops, sorry, forgot they're not on the market yet, I'm working on that.

At Ving's house which is very old they find out he has no telephone. Now if they weren't movie stupid that alone should have made them say we're out of here see ya. But no, they stay. We get a really embarrassing scene of the former Iceman, who has a small gash on his head, lie in bed and toss, turn and CRY. HE CRIED. WHAT. THE. HELL. This is Iceman for crying out loud, you don't cry 'cause you're in a strange bed and you're not happy - geez. I was happy that he died first - probably from embarrassment.

His death causes one of the brothers to take the pickup to the gas station like they should have to begin with, but he runs into the cashier who's car has broken down 'cause hey, just 'cause you work in a gas station doesn't mean you know shit about cars. Conveniently the road to the station is now closed so back to the house they go.

Ving's character Jack now decides to tell everybody that 100 years ago a family was slaughtered in the house by their 10 year old adopted son. Apparently they didn't know his real name was Michael Myers. Just kidding. I wish. And the killings start - slowly. Ving's main job seemed to be to wander around the house and make obscure statements hinting that he knew more than he was telling but it was so dreary a movie that we just don't care at all.

Finally, it comes out that Ving is actually the servant of the house (over 100 years old of course) and he's been waiting for the 'reincarnated' family to come back home (and get killed again) because you can't escape the past. At least according to this movie. He then says the stupidest line in the whole movie and that's really saying something. He calls himself 'The Agent Of Destiny'. No explanation so there. Geez.

The girl from the gas station is the boy incarnate (although his 'ghost' keeps appearing everywhere) and has been killing everyone but instead of killing the last brother, she kills herself. At that the boy stabs Ving, they disappear in a cloud of black smoke and she's alive again. Our last scene is six months later - the two live together and she's seen slooooowly chopping a zucchini and as they toast their happiness she looks out the window, grabs the knife and... well, duh. Outside the window is the boy - again. And this horrid thing is over.


 Oh, just a side note: I kid about Val Kilmer even though I look a hundred times worse than he ever could,  but I hear he's been taking better care of himself and actually looks pretty good right now. Keep it up Iceman, we've missed you.