Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, March 1, 2013

WHAT THE EVER LOVIN'... WHAT WAS THAT???




Fever Night aka Static Age Band Of Satanic Outsiders (2009)

You know a movie is going to be EXTREMELY bad when it has to give ITSELF an alternate title. This is described as a psychedelic horror film. This was my summation in part on Netflix after suffering for 82 minutes: If you want to save yourself time, put on some real douche heavy metal (or just listen to the Thee Oh Sees, the god-awful band that provided the music for this movie) and take your thumbs and press your eyes really hard like when you were a kid and wanted to see the colors. If that hurts too much, get two lava lamps. Then imagine three people you don't like dying one by one. That's pretty much it.

Imagine if the people who worked the cameras on Laugh In decided to make a horror movie. That would mean lots of up close then far away shots shooting back and forth, colors where colors don't belong, and a ripoff of the Tommy effect of having people split off into three to five people. In other words, this sucked so loud I turned the sound off.

Oops, wrong and much better fever, sorry.
We start with a gimmick, a warning - not a good sign. Here it is: Bad People Motion Pictures claims no responsibility for any adverse or long-lasting effects due to the film you are about to see. It is not our intention to physically harm you. Should you slip into coma or hypnosis, or begin to feel motion sickness or mind-body separation, please eject this videocassette immediately and consult your physician or spiritual advisor. Thank you and enjoy the show.

Pretty damn hard to eject anything when you're in a coma - DUH. Aaaand that's the gist of the story. A massive DUH. Three people decide that since they're out of pot and nothing good's on TV (just kidding but that's probably it) decide to go out in the woods for a Satanic ritual. Nothing happens so they go back to the car which won't start. While the girl is in front of it, suddenly it starts and the movie stupid driver apparently has it in gear because it lurches forward and runs over the girl. She doesn't die, she goes in a 'coma' with her eyes open. Right.

Damn, I'm dead but I'm still stuck in this movie.
One boy tries to close her eyes but when he turns back her eyes are open again. Oooh, scary. And then the annoying music and the colors and the stuff and the nothing and the voices and the.... you know what? There's just no story here.

Just when the audience is in a severe coma (unable to eject the cassette) they bring out some nudity. Something is seriously wrong with this girl's, uh, assets, I don't know what but ewww. And out comes her father, all 400 lbs. of him, naked. Massive ewww. Whoa. But finally they die one by one, the last one being captured by the thing they supposedly conjured up because their pitiful little ceremony worked after all. Too bad it took so long to take effect.