Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

BEWARE OF SUPPOSED HORROR CRITICS WHO PRESENT YOU WITH 'YOU GOTTA SEE THESE MOVIES' LISTS...


Detention (2011)

I am deadly serious here. NEVER follow some film critic or bloggers list (not even mine) to determine what horror movie to watch or you'll end up with... this. It claimed Detention was 'one of the best movies you've never seen'. And I watched it. And scratched my head. And I think I threw up in my mouth a little. See, there are TWO Detention movies and both are horror. One is with David Carradine. The other is this. Both are supposed to be horror, both have teenagers dying. Which one did this idiot mean?

If he meant this one, he needs to just breathe into a plastic bag for a while. A long while. This. Was. Horrible. They tried soooo hard to be clever it just left you with a queasy feeling and I still didn't understand anything they were trying to accomplish. It was like they just took random ideas from all genres of movies and smushed them together into this mess. With actors' names such as Dane Cook (Kidding, I just hate him.), Organik and Dumbfoundead (I am NOT kidding.) this movie was doomed, doomed, doomed.

Now if this horror 'expert' actually meant the OTHER movie Detention (2010) he's still a major dumbass. The movie, with David Carradine (released after his death in 2009 as were several other movies) sucked oh so much harder. Sorry guys, but this 2010 low rate slasher film (costing a little over two million) made exactly $190. I thought that was a typo so I looked elsewhere and yup, that's what it was. 

Summing THAT movie up in one sentence: In 1970 kids playing a prank on a student get him killed and in the 'present' he comes back to have his revenge on the kids of the one who killed him so he does and David Carradine disappears sometime in the movie without explanation (I thought it was because he was dead, now I think he just bailed). Aaaaand scene.


I wish I could sum this one up like that. There are fourth wall breaks, a time travelling bear, stereotypical teenagers that freeze so you can read a mini bio on them (kind of like a road runner cartoon), bombs, murder, outcasts, names that make you want the teenagers dead NOW, people pulling a Freaky Friday scenario, lots of 90's references (and the fact that the adults of these high school kids were in high school themselves in the 90's makes me want to throw up), inept teachers and parents, and, maybe, TWO MINUTES of detention. What was this movie called again? Uh huh. So a (much) shortened version:

We see the most popular girl in Grizzly Lake. Breaking the fourth wall she explains that she's a BITCH: Beauty, Intelligence, Talent, Charisma, Hoobastank. What is Hoobastank? I looked. Waaay too long. My conclusion is: It either refers to the very bland band formed in 1994, an urban way of asking 'Who farted?', or just (and this one I like the best) a word people say when they want to say something they think is cool.

Then we get similar fourth wall breaks as each character is introduced, road-runner style as they freeze and their attributes is printed beside them so you know who's who (I didn't give a crap). These are the kind of teenagers that one of them decided to swallow all her pills to commit suicide until she realizes it will make her late for school and spits them all up. Duh. Because suicide is soooooo funny.


We have a Canadian exchange student. More students are introduced and I'm scribbling furiously then decide hell, does it really matter? No? No. And now we have a supposed slasher for no reason whatsoever - a killer called Cinderhella who kills kids with an ax. Thank you. This is a very stupid killer though, and stupid people are the only ones he's managing to kill. Which means there's a hell of a lot of them. No, actually we've only seen one. Damn.


And the movie goes on. Makes absolutely no sense. And it's calling itself horror. Sigh. But wait there's more. One student reveals he's a mutant - he's part fly for some reason. Whaaa? It's was a total random throwing out of ideas, all bad, and I got a really bad headache and stopped taking notes. We don't have to worry about fly boy too long, he's Cinderhella's next victim. 'Kay. And the remaining teens we were introduced to are inexplicably given detention. They gather and, using a smart phone and watching a tiny movie of a pirated Cinderhella 3 because the one that's been chopping up only two students so far is copying the movie so they figure they will now know what happens next. Wow.

So what happens and how does the movie end? Just a minute, let me look at my notes... hmmmm... uh, tell you what, if you do and you can keep track and outline it for me, I'll let you publish it on here and give you full credit for being a lot smarter than me. The end.

No, wait. The end is when one student says that high school is not the end of the world while the Canadian exchange student announces on T.V. that he is, in fact, a vegetable based alien who became a Canadian to help invade Earth. His race is upset because vegans eat his kind. The aliens proceed to start to invade. NOW it's the end. There, I did part of the work for you.