Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, November 8, 2013


Idiocracy (2006)

Have you ever had one of those roundabout conversations with your significant other? They want to watch a movie with you (usually I'm watching 'em myself 'cause I yell at the screen a lot) but they don't know the name of the movie?

"I want to watch this movie - it's supposed to be funny."
"What's the name?"
"I don't know - you probably don't want to watch it anyway."
"Sure I do, what's it called?"
"Nah, I think it has that guy you hate in it, you won't watch it."
"We'll watch it right now, what's it called?"
"I... I don't remember. You won't watch it anyway."
"We'll. Watch. It. NOW. What is it called?"
"You don't like the guy in it. Never mind."
"What guy?"
Oh, THAT guy - yeah, I hate him.
"The guy with the nose."
"The nose?"
"The guy you don't like with the nose and blonde hair."
"What's the name of the movie?" (Steam is coming off my head now)
"I think it's... well it's... Idiocramacy?"
"I told you that you won't watch it."
"Is that the name?"
<Half an hour later>
"Look, we will see it RIGHT NOW if you tell me the title."
OMG people over 3 million results now? STOP IT!
"Ow my balls."
"Google ow my balls."
"See? You don't want to watch it."
<Makes sure there are no sharp objects nearby> "You want me to Google ow my balls."
"Ooookay. (Googles ow my balls, get 1,610,000 results, no lie and the very first entry is called Idiocracy) Geez Louise what the hell?"
"That  movie right there?"
"You don't want to watch it 'cause it has that guy you hate."
<Two hours later>
"We WILL watch this movie, SHUT UP!"

Oh him? He's okay.
So. This quasi-science fiction comedy was written by Mike Judge (Beavis and Butthead, King Of The Hill) so if you're expecting something witty... uh... watch Beavis and Butthead. This stars Luke Wilson (who is the brother of Owen Wilson, the actor with the broken nose who I personally detest for no good reason) and... other people. 

Owen plays an Army librarian named Joe who is absolutely average in every way. The Army decides to conduct an experiment using him and a prostitute named Rita they borrowed from her pimp named Upgrayedd to be in pods in stasis for a year to see if it was possible (?!?). The whole experiment (after the two are put in pods) is forgotten and trashed when the officer in charge decides he likes the whole prostitution thing a little too much.

Our future leaders... don't you just want to die?
So everything is in the landfill - including the pods. Instead of one year later, the pods are broken open five hundred years later, when the landfill is so incredibly huge it collapses and 'washes' through the city like a huge landslide. Joe's chamber breaks into the apartment of Frito, who's pissed he interrupted his favorite show which is... say it with me... SAY IT... 'Ow! My Balls!' (hence the over a million references in Google).

We're not that far off unfortunately - after all, there is this movie...
The movie... does not get better. There was apparently a statement to be made here, which has been made by other authors in other books, that the way our whole system - education, politics, entertainment, etc. - is constantly being 'dumbed down', soon our society will be nothing but morons. Okay, I can see that. Look at your Facebook page if you have one. You have to admit that a lot of the people on it use poorer English (if that's their primary language) than those emails you get from Nigerian princes trying to give you money. 

Looks normal to me...
When professional news sites write stories like 'the way the people died was grizzly' and people can write about 'my ex is just 2 po to pay child suport 4 his 6 kids and his preggers girlfriend is all like we ain't gots no money bitch' you know something has to change. The theory Mike Judge was trying to postulate was that smart people consider all the factors before having children and will often either put it off or not have any at all, while those of, let's say less to work with, will breed indiscriminately and produce most of the population. That's been thought of and written of before too, but let's get this movie over with.

Do you want fries with that?
Joe is pretty much in a daze so figuring he must be hallucinating or something decides to go to the hospital. When he approaches the ER desk and tries to describe his symptoms, the 'nurse' uses a machine like you find in a fast food restaurant - instead of words and prices there are just pictures. She punches one and he's led to another cubicle where the 'doctor' (played by the always ineffective Justin Long - I feel sorry for him, he's always playing someone who never helps) looks at a 'receipt and tells him he's... well, lets just say that people that act and talk as smart as him are deemed to be... you know what? I'm not going to repeat any of that - it sets the whole PC world back about... well, five hundred years. And some change.

Way to pigeonhole yourself, Justin.
The 'doctor' then notices Joe doesn't have his bar code tattoo - it has replaced money as currency - you work, the bar code gets swiped, you go to eat your bar code... umm, this is where it started to fall apart for me. These people are so dumb their favorite (and award winning) movie is called 'Ass', yet they can figure out a computer system with bar codes for... you know what? Never mind or this is gonna be very VERY long. He goes to jail where he is renamed "Not Sure" by a faulty identity tattooing machine, and takes an IQ test before outsmarting the prison guards by telling them they screwed up, he was supposed to be getting out, not going in and they let him walk.

No comment.
The President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho is a guy who dresses and acts like he's from the WWE, and runs Uhmerica, where everything is based and paid for by corporate sponsorship. That means simple things like water are shunned - people drink only a sports drink because it has 'electrolytes' (which they manage to spell correctly) - water is for the toilet. Because the sports drink is also used to water crops, nothing ever grows and dust storms ravage the city. Yeah, I know - it would ravage the country where the crops are not the city but shut up or we'll be here all day.

Whoops, how did THIS get in here?
So Joe and Frito (he's the only guy he knows plus he's his lawyer) and Rita who they found later do stuff. Then they go over here and do stuff. Sometimes they do other stuff. Mostly they're searching for a 'time machine' that Frito claims is in the city but doesn't know where. But there are eyes everywhere and Joe's bar code gets caught by one and he's arrested (I KNOW - HOW WOULD THEY KNOW HOW TO - JUST LET ME FINISH THIS PLEASE?) and brought to the President, who makes him Secretary of the Interior since he is the smartest man on the planet. 

Trouble is, he doesn't know what that is. Do you? They, like, totally protect our environment and junk. Oh man, my head is starting to hurt - I feel like Charlie in Flowers For Algernon. What is that? Pick up a book once in a while, would ya?

I would've guessed that it would have been a Wal Mart...
So more stuff happens and junk. Joe spends a lot of the movie looking for the time machine. All of the city is in ruins and one particular area is totally wasted - except for a gigantic Costco. Nice social commentary there Mr. Judge. People are camped out all around this place like it is a third world country. Inside is everything a Costco usually has and more - and spelled correctly. At least most of it was.

Joe decides to use his position to force the farmers to use water on their crops. Since the corporation that owns the sports drink (again wouldn't someone have to be smart enough to... ah to hell with it) loses tons of money they lay off half the population and Joe is blamed, since plants don't just grow overnight. It was (slightly) amusing to see them pumping the water from their toilets though.

The hubby liked this one...
Joe is sentenced to die. In Uhmerica you are sentenced to participate in a monster truck rally. In a small car. Of course things go his way, the people see that yes, the plants are starting to grow and Joe is not only spared, but becomes Vice President. He decides to stay and so does Rita. That's when they find that the time machine they've been spending the whole movie looking for is actually a ride at a carnival. 'Kay.

Relax, this is their salute...
Later Joe becomes President and Rita is First Lady. He swears he's going to put mankind back on the correct path, making education a priority and getting this great nation back to the glory it had before. 'Kay. He and Rita have three very smart children. Frito, who is now Vice President, marries eight times and has 32 of the world's stupidest children. So the cycle of duh life begins again. The end THANK GOD.

If you watch all the credits (or at least fast forward to the end) you see there is a third pod (please don't ask, I don't have a clue) that bursts open and out comes Upgrayedd the pimp, ready to search for his ho'.

This is about right...
My hubby said if people asked why I would put myself through this, just say I was tied to the chair and not allowed to eat, drink, sleep or go to the bathroom until I watched it. Nah. I was curious just because of the dystopian theme which has been explored by different people (some sci-fi authors, some actual scientists) and was a bit scared that some of the movie is awfully close to things that are happening right now. You hear that Honey Boo Boo? Please don't grow up to make a reality TV show called 'Ow my taco.' I said please didn't I? (Thank you hubby for that.)

Update 6/25/14: I found an article that compares the world today with the movie... and it's not good. Not good at all. I don't want to copy the guy so here's the link to the article: