Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Demonic aka Forest Of The Damned (2006) UK

This movie is another which puts a big name on the front (Tom Savini) even though he appears in maybe ten minutes of the movie and that's being generous. We also get to start with the use of a verse from an apocryphal book (meaning it's not part of the Bible) "And it came to pass when the children of men had multiplied, that in those days were born unto them beautiful and comely daughters. And the angels, the children of heaven, saw and lusted after them..." (Enoch 6:1-6). This is basically what is written in Genesis 6: 1-4 "Now when men started to grow in number on the surface of the ground and daughters were born to them, the sons of the true God began to notice that the daughters of men were beautiful. So they began taking as wives all whom they chose. Then Jehovah said: “My spirit will not tolerate man indefinitely, because he is only flesh. Accordingly, his days will amount to 120 years.” 

The Nephilim were on the earth in those days and afterward. During that time the sons of the true God continued to have relations with the daughters of men, and these bore sons to them. They were the mighty ones of old times, the men of fame. (In other words, the Nephilim were half-breeds, children of fallen angels and human women.)

Now since Angels aren't really men nor women (though they are presented as man-like), they gave themselves the forms of men to, lets face it, boink all the pretty women they found. But since people (read guys) don't want to see a bunch of naked men cavorting around (umm... let's just leave that one alone) this movie changed the fallen Angels to the forms of women. Duh. Oh and they're cannibals too, just for that extra 'icky' touch.

So we get our annoying 20-somethings in a van that barely runs so of course they go way out into the country so there's absolutely nothing around when they break down. Things are quiet (except for the girls constant bitching) until they hit a woman in the road. They then see a mailbox and three try to get help while the others stay with the girl. So far, so bored.

The supposed point of the movie is that three Angels from heaven have left their place and taken up residence in this forest to play in the water and seduce (and then eat) men. And women, they're not really picky. Trouble is, they're not really all that pretty either. Yeah, I suppose it would be hard to find three lovely ladies willing to strip to nothing and romp through the forest, and submit to makeup jobs of bad eye contacts and stupid looking teeth whenever they, uh, vamp out I guess but really, these three? They couldn't catch a cold much less all mortal men in their icy stares. Massive duh.

Tom Savini plays Stephen, who lives in a house near where they hang out and apparently is also kind of a zookeeper as he provides fresh meat now and again from those stupid enough to come to his house. Well, it's not his house - his parents were driving through there when he was a boy and they got eaten. Apparently so did the house owners so he took over. There's no amenities there, but somehow he still manages to have guns and ammo and knows how to shoot. Maybe the creatures bring him take-out, I don't know.

Eventually (and not soon enough for me) all fall under their spell (ick) and get kissed and killed and eaten. All except one woman. She has looked in their eyes but because she wears a cross (A cross? Really? We're talking vampires then, right?) they hiss and scurry away.

Supposedly that now means she is the house's new owner and zookeeper as she 'catches' horror writer Shaun Hutson (playing himself) driving through the woods and secures him to a stake for her 'girls'. How sweet. How stupid. How much time did I waste on this thing anyway? 95 minutes? Yikes.