Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


Crawl (2011)

This is one of those what-the-hell-did-you-expect kind of movies because, hey, it's both Australian and the title is... yeah. But so
mewhere while gathering info on new (new to me) horror this came up as a gotta-watch-it kind of movie. I think whoever did that is somewhere laughing his/her ass off. Because the title is very, very apt. This movie... crawls.

Croatia, officially the Republic of Croatia, is a unitary democratic parliamentary republic at the crossroads of Central Europe, Southern Europe, and the Mediterranean. Its capital and largest city is Zagreb. I say this because I think it's a beautiful place. That being said this portrays a Croation as a very-tall-man-in-cowboy-hat-that-moves-very-slowly-and-stares-at-you-but-does-not-speak.

Here's the movie, in short (because there's nothing else): A bar. One bartender, three barmaids. One mechanic. One Croatian.

Bartender has Croatian kill mechanic. They crawl. Croatian takes money (and blow) and drives off. He crawls. He hits one barmaid's fiancee', killing him. He drives to barmaid's house, pounds on her door. She grabs a knife and spends 15 minutes looking at the phone. She crawls. When she finally goes for the phone the Croatian grabs her, knock her down.
She crawls. He ties her up. Barmaid two shows up but leaves when no one answers door. Barmaid one gets free but crawls into a window on the second floor.

He knows she's trapped and goes to make sure her boyfriend is dead. The boyfriend is alive and... crawls. He finishes him off with a baseball bat. He steals an engagement ring off of him. He goes to the house. She has a gun.

He stares at her. She shoots twice. He looks at her. He looks at his shirt. Smirking (Ooooh a face expression change!) he takes the engagement ring out of his pocket and throws it at her feet. She knows what that means. She shoots one more time. He dies. The end.

You know what's really pitiful? George Shevtsov (billed as The Killer) is from Perth and considered one of Western Australia's most in-demand actors. He is an incredible voice actor. In this movie he spoke maybe 10 words.