Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

MOVIES THAT GET BRIEF REVIEWS 'CAUSE, WELL, NOTHING FREAKING HAPPENED



Darkroom aka Dark House (2013)

Do you know how many books, movies, plays, poems have the above title? Way too freaking many, that's how. And I'm talking about BOTH titles. But I guess it really doesn't matter what they called this piece of garbage 'cause it suuuuuuuucked.

In a 'Gee I feel so sorry for you... not' kind of story, we have Michelle (Kaylee DeFer). She's mean and she's mad - especially when she's been drinking. Out with three of her college buddies, her consumption and her temper get all of them kicked out of a bar. She drives them home - well tries to. Somehow in movie-duh style they crash, the car flips over, she's the only one who can crawl out and, movie duh again, the car explodes. So she's responsible for three deaths. She goes to jail. Nah, just kidding, this is a movie. She goes to rehab. After discussing her 'feelings' and faking every bit of it (she was as emotional as a postage stamp) she wants out. She can if she finds a job.

But oh joy she finds one - it starts as an assistant job at this castle that no one owns anywhere ever unless you're bloody royalty (and this is supposed to be New York) but their model for their photo shoot doesn't show up so they fix up Michelle to take her place. Not. She soon finds that the camera equipment is inoperative and is captured and put in a room in the dungeon. Or basement. Whatever. We hear the unsurprising and boring as hell backstory of a religious nutjob of a mother twisting her three children into thinking they have to single-handedly torture the sin out of bad girls. Oh, and kill them afterward.


Aaaaaaand that's about it. The rest of the movie is Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!

Umm, sorry about that, I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid. You know what? I'm not sorry. The makers of THIS MOVIE should be sorry 'cause I lost minutes of my life I could have used watching those cartoons.


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