Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Shadows Of The Dead (2004)

Kids today have been exposed to sex and violence on TV, movies, commercials and video games just to name a few. I was going to put books and magazines too, but they've probably never held one. Another reason I'll never purposely buy anything with a symbol of a fruit on it. Anywho, here's a nice bedtime story that contains very little violence or blood and is a zombie lullaby to put them to sleep. I know I couldn't write this review after watching it - I desperately needed a nap. No foolin'. So the kid's story would go as follows:

Parent: Once upon a time there was a couple named John and Jennifer...
Kid: Can't I just watch this on my iPad? This is borrrrrring....
Parent: Shush. I've already bribed you to listen so sit still and we'll get this over with.
Kid: (Mumbling) New iOS better be worth it...
Parent: Again, once upon a time there was a couple named John and Jennifer. They are a couple of average, sort of nice young people who bicker but aren't too mean to each other...
Kid: Not like you and dad, huh?
Parent: Let me tell the story or your Wii goes right out the window. As I was saying, they're not so bad, not so great either and this happens to them...

We get off to a very slow start after a couple breaks down in the middle of nowhere and bicker (but not hatefully) as they try to figure out what to do. They see what they think is a dead body, but after a while it disappears. Things seem okay until John takes the dreaded Piss Of Death (horror worksheet, patent pending). It doesn't show him get chomped, but he barely makes it back to the car, slightly bleeding from the neck (Zombie vampire?). Now it begins - I hope 'cause we're 18 minutes in and this is the only action so far (and we didn't even get to see it).

They make it to the cabin as John starts to get worse. First, he grows cold and then can't find his pulse. Sigh. This is going to be one of those 'discovery' movies where every five minutes they find a new 'symptom' and bitch about it until the end of the movie, right? Oh goody, they finally decide to go to the hospital - and how did they do that now? Their car was immobile. Now they're getting around everywhere. Huh.

As he describes the 'rotting' process in a journal he's narrating we have a slightly different genre of zombie appear - the deadly boring kind. He's BBB (patent pending horror worksheet). He narrates in a monotone that if a bite doesn't kill you, he will, just by talking.

He infects his girlfriend and again you don't see any damage - this has got to be the most bloodless zombie movie I have ever seen and that is NOT a compliment. Soon the hunger is driving both crazy so she breaks into a hospital supply room and steals a bunch of drugs (I think I've mentioned before why this could NOT happen). She puts something in a syringe and shoots it into both their necks. Okay the fussy fact checker in me has to tell you this wouldn't do them any good. They have no pulse, no heartbeat. Therefore anything they inject is NOT going to go anywhere - just stay in the neck. Okay, fuss over.

After endless discussions on what they're going to do (What is this, a soap opera?) he finally takes charge and starts to murder to eat. She refuses and gets suspicious of him when he disappears at night. Finally she follows him and watches as he kills a young group of kids.

Kid: Were they my age?
Parent: No, they were the safe-to-kill movie age.
Kid: Okay, can I play my iPod while you...
Parent: NO!

By this time they don't look like any zombies I've seen (must be budget constraints) - what they look like are petrified mummies of some kind. Good makeup job for the money. Again, even as he bludgeons the campers to death there is very little blood, no sound and no obvious wounds. This is practically a Disney movie.

Kid: Nobody takes their top off?
Parent: No and where did you... ooh that man is in so much trouble...
Kid: Dad told me not to tell.
Parent: Uh huh, looks like you're BOTH getting grounded.

Jennifer, after confronting John about the killing and where he got a gun she found, decides to end it. Again, no gore anywhere. He can't bear to part with her and since she's pretty much bones and not much else anyway, he lays her on the bed and keeps writing, knowing his own end is coming soon

Kid: How soon mom?
Parent: This movie was about 90 minutes so just be grateful I'm paring it down for you.
Kid: What does paring...
Parent: I'm reading all right?

He realizes that killing and eating people is just taking away his own humanity and he'll never make it without Jennifer anyway so he decides that death (Re-death?) is the only way to end the horror his non-life has become (He's dying of boredom? Why couldn't he do that 90 minutes ago?). So he tells us how he re-dies.

Kid: Wait, if he's dead how can he tell...
Parent: Shhh, logic only makes this story longer.
Kid: I'll be good.

So one incredibly sunny day when it's pouring outside...

Kid: Umm... never mind.

So one incredibly sunny day when it's pouring outside he decides to get his goo wet and goes out and stands, letting the hose shower him from above as we hear the sounds of sirens. He decides that he wants to unlive after all and tries to hide but for whatever reason these cops are showing up today, they are armed to the teeth. Although he knocks one down, and takes another one hostage, a third is waiting outside with a shotgun...

Kid: But there's only one police car.
Parent: Where did you learn to be such a smartass?
Kid: (Grins up at mom)

A third is waiting outside with a shotgun. As John leads the captive officer out the door, we suddenly get John's POV...

Kid: What's a...
Parent: Enough!

We suddenly get John's POV as he's watching the back of the captive officer's head. There's a 'bang' and the camera takes a dive to the ground. And that's it.

Kid: That's all there is? No blood, no gore, no taffy pulls...
Parent: Taffy?
Kid: That's what dad calls it when they pull the intestines out.
Parent: I'll be having a serious talk with that man, now good night!
Kid: That story was depressing.
Parent: How do you think I feel? I had to watch it!