Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013



Note to my wonderful readers: Out of the 12 movies in this pack there was bound to be one I've already done. Sorry if you've seen this. It was first published October 19, 2012 so at least it's not like I did it yesterday. I still apologize since this was really a suck movie. Would I pay $9.99 for a chance to see real college students get their butts kicked by a supposed dead psycho killer especially if they're all extremely obnoxious? You bet I would - except that's illegal, it's called a snuff film. Which is basically what this (fictional) movie is. But you really, REALLY want these kids to die and to die quick. But, for a movie budget of a quarter million, the gore was halfway decent although the acting was downright idiotic, and the plot was a what the hell, and each death was something you saw coming a mile away - no surprises at all.

She had Yeti written all over her face, which is on the floor....
A pair of entrepreneurs decide to put together a contest at the home of a dead crazed killer named Sean McIntire. They set up a live webcast with cameras all over the house, the one putting it together hoping to get a lot of subscribers, as he needs daddy's money to pay everyone off and daddy wants results. The story of Sean McIntire is the stupidest ghost story I've ever heard - 20 years ago he was a mountaineer who, while in the Himalayan mountains, murdered his sherpa. 

Supposedly he was given secret powers by Himalayan monks (yeah they do that for Americans all the time) but it drove him mad, and made him think his sherpa was a Yeti. Yes folks, you heard me right, this is just that stupid. Apparently the hospital thought he suffered some kind of cerebral edema or burst blood vessel because of the altitude and let the idiot go home. Thanks guys. At Thanksgiving he's there with his family, including his mother-in-law. He's distant, drops things and is obviously very not right. MASSIVE DUH. 

Daddy we wanted pizza!
So of course, with all his ice climbing tools, he decides to slice and dice his family, then hang himself in regret. Yeah, that happens all the time too. I have an uncle who regularly climbs high mountains. I think I'll carry my pistol from now on whenever he's around (just kidding - maybe). Anyway so these idiots are participating for a whopping $5,000 prize (I guess a month's worth of beer or something) to solve puzzles and clues and 'win' the game. They first have to start with a 'sceance'. Why? Because this movie is extremely stupid and they said so, that's why. Somehow they have a doll that McIntire gave one of his girls (before slicing her up) and they use it to 'raise' him. 

I know everything... except how to survive a bad movie.
By this time I'm hoping for a massively quick execution of all of them because not a single one of 'em is likable. To raise viewer numbers (and other things) our pair of webcast idiots hired a porn star named Velvet Luv. Don't get your hopes up, they don't get their money's worth and if you paid to see this, neither did you. 

So we have six people total competing - like I said all are obnoxious or just plain disgusting and death better be quick. Oh damn, this movie is 95 minutes long - NOTHING is going to be quick.

Effects more important than movie... HINT HINT...
But finally McIntire makes his appearance. Each death is obvious like I said, and you know exactly who is going to get it next - it's a progression used in every horror movie you've ever seen. Blood spills, intestines get pulled, we get one, uh, I dunno some sort of ice climbing tool through the head, one massive crampon head splat, and a couple of other goodies - glad they spent their money on the gore 'cause the acting was not worth squat.

All die thank you very much. Now since the power went out and the webcast was not completed, nobody, absolutely nobody got their money's worth. It says in the wiki that the 'viewers' watch in horror as the last of the survivors get picked off. I have no idea where wiki gets its plot outlines 'cause how could anyone watch with the power out? I sure didn't want to watch, but my computer worked so I was stuck. But it's over. And you're welcome.