Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, November 18, 2013


Harvest Of Fear (2005)

All right young ones if you have any expectations about this movie, better squash them down right now. Made for a whopping $65,000 and filmed in Estacada, Oregon (which is a beautiful place - as pretty much all of Oregon is) you're gonna get 88 minutes of very low budget horror attempts. Basic plot: Twenty years ago somebody killed a bunch of people (no, they're not claiming it's based on 'Real Events' thank God) and now in Devil's Lake (Really? That's the best name they could come up with?) somebody is using the Harvest Festival to kill off kids in apparent copycat style. 

A new arrival in town, Billy, must solve the case. Why? Because, uh, oh hell, just because he's named first I guess. It's not a big stretch (or a big buzz kill) to peg Billy as the murderer before five minutes has passed because they only start dying after he gets there. Duh.

Trivia time: This project was filmed completely on location in Estacada, Oregon. Many of the crew stayed on the third floor of a Senior Center to avoid the icy roads and the 45 minute trip back and forth from Portland. The locals referred to the crew as "The Hollywoods". 

Wow, makes those poor people sound like the dumbest hicks in the world, right? I call BS - Estacada is NOT a backwater town. Oh well, they weren't making much money anyway - the 'locals' they refer to were probably the seniors that were put out when they took over the Center for the shots.

We start with two kids in the woods doing what kids do (in movies) when the guy goes off to take the 'piss of death'. After they die, we jump to an old guy who is the retired sheriff of the town. He's reading the newspaper. All righty. But when they show the closeup of the article of the murders, the 'Devil's Lake' paper is shown to cost only 25 cents. 

I worked for a very small newspaper before that and even THEN it was 50 cents. But it's probably discounted because there's no date on it and other than the title, no news either, just that Latin gobbledygook they have when they want to fill space. Sheesh.

Now we see Billy, who's disgusted by the small town and having to do his forensics internship here (screw you Billy). He goes in and the doctor shows him the first corpse - now I don't like to have nudity on this page (and she is), but I wish I could make GIFs so I could show you how much this 'corpse' breathes while she's on the slab. What, you couldn't hold your breath for the 20 seconds you were on screen? Tsk, tsk. Two errors in the space of five minutes. 

I could try to learn to make a GIF of this dead naked chick breathing (and somehow even though she put her shirt back on before she died she's naked again) but I don't want to put a lot of nudity on my blog (especially heaving breasts, sorry) so here's some gerbils. This movie ought to be fun. Well, not fun, more like trying not to yawn so much. The actors deliver their lines so woodenly you'd think they were reading that fake newspaper.

So Billy, whose already been threatened by a deputy not to talk to Stacy, the office manager where he's interning decides to ask her out for coffee anyway. The deputy sees them and threatens him again. Must have scared him into amnesia 'cause now he doesn't have coffee, he has a coke. Meh, caffeine is caffeine, right? Small oops, I forgot what I was supposed to do. Considering how the rest of the movie goes, this is really no problem.

So the idiots at the harvest festival (which was also obviously held in the Senior Center) still die in the same manner as the ones 20 years ago. Duh. Every freaking person in town handles the only evidence they find: a bloody knife (and I mean it's covered in blood) - so much for preserving evidence. And the Sheriff says the terrible line, "Look guys this isn't a movie - we're not chasing after Freddy or Jason." D-U-H

And the ones that die - are they really dying so they can attend a lame party at a senior center with no decorations save for some dead corn stalks? Really? That's the most fun they have? They better just die then, their lives obviously have no meaning.

Finally after everybody you didn't give a damn about dies and the "killer" is shot by the retired sheriff who thinks he's doing the town a favor, Bill (who I had tagged in the first five minutes, remember) tells dad that everything went according to plan and he's leaving town - but not before smugly smiling and breaking the fourth wall. Why? Ummm, just because? Don't blame Estacada - if this had been THEIR crime, Billy would have gotten his ass thrown in jail in the first ten minutes, like any smart person could have figured out.