Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


Chambermaid aka Lovesick: Sick Love (2004) UK

Oh goody, another movie with Paul Conway and Fiona Horsey (Angst). This time she's a chambermaid by day and a waitress by night taking care of her cokehead boyfriend who's in a band. After being caught, uh, giving undue services to a customer at her hotel job, she quits... but then finds that night her boss (Conway) dead drunk and helps him home... and pretends he's slept with her. Now she has her job back and he's taking care of her debts as well. 

But as it goes with stupid comedies that mask themselves as horror, he soon finds out that not only did she lie, but she's still seeing her boyfriend and refusing to have sex with him. So he steals some sedatives from the hospital where dear ole' mum is currently convalescing and rapes her repeatedly. Keeping in the duh mode he also tapes it and leaves the camera for her to eventually find. So she pretends she's pregnant..

Meanwhile good ole' mum comes home and laughs in his face about his having a girlfriend and becoming a father. O'Ryan (Conway) is beginning to run out of options and patience. Mummy gets whacked repeatedly with a phone (the old fashioned kind, you know, with a cord) until she's dead then dumped unceremoniously down into the cellar.

Julia (Horsey) is now confident about using O'Ryan and his money and so moves her boyfriend, Istvan in with them. They flaunt their sexual escapades freely around O'Ryan who's just about to lose what's left of his mind. And since this movie is about going back in forth as to who's in charge, he's gets the upper hand once more, killing Istvan and chaining Julia (Where do these people keep buying all these chains and restraints anyway - wouldn't somebody notice or say something?) to a bed in the cellar. She has good company - that's also where his mother and her boyfriend are stashed.

He also steals more drugs from the hospital. Now I don't know about the UK but I've seen how hospitals handle medications, especially those that are considered controlled substances. In one hospital, it's secured with a coded lock - the nurse has to put in her employee number, the patient number and what exactly she took out of there. But this movie shows him walking right in, filling up his pockets and also grabbing a bunch of hypodermic needles (which are also secured - nobody can just go in and help themselves). Duh.

But it's time to flip it over again and Julia gets hold of one of the needles and some drugs and stabs O'Ryan. Massive duh. When he's unconscious she covers him with alcohol and sets him on fire. Nice. But we can't have a 'happy' ending here, right?

She gets out and gets the money O'Ryan collected from selling the hotel... but she's also pregnant. As the baby is born, she screams 'Nooooo!' - what, did it surprise her or something? But the movie's over so whatever.