Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, November 18, 2013


Uninvited (1993)

When you see a movie's IMDb and the first words are 'tedious western with a hint of horror' you know you're in for a bad one. Buuuut that's what I do (as I keep reminding the hubby as he always says 'Why can't you just watch good ones?') so here I go. With a brief appearance from the late Jack Elam (always great seeing that face, too bad this was his last appearance in a movie) this was guaranteed to tank as the people who supposedly traveled a long distance to get to their destination look as fresh as if they just stepped out of a costume shop onto a movie set. Hey wait, that's just what they did...

This movie made me add another category to my horror movie worksheet (patent pending): The triple 'B'. Bored. Beyond. Belief. I'll have to add it after the Piss Of Death.

This movie, written by Michael Derek Bohusz, directed by Michael Derek Bohusz, and including a character called 'The Indian' who was played by... say it... SAY IT.... Michael Derek Bohusz was a massive snoozefest and there is nothing funny I can think of to make it any better. 

It was NOT a horror movie unless you're scared by an Indian who hangs from a tree for a week, gets buried, then rises and kills all the menfolk. Hmm, was it Easter or something? Here's the whole movie in a nutshell and the only things I have to add are a line by I think the preacher 'At the risk of sounding in charge I...'  uh, what? I didn't know being in charge was a risk. Apparently in this movie, it is.

The only other thing (besides everyone being pristine - clean clothes, clean hair, nobody eats but nobody appears hungry) is that when they go to hang 'The Indian' they have this really fancy noose that apparently they packed in just for such an occasion. Wow. Oh and all the ammo they could ever need since they shot off their numerous (and anachronistic firearms) all through the movie without worrying about running out of bullets. But this is the breakdown:

On a cold, eerie evening, on a barren, wind-swept mountainside, a leathery, evil man named Grady brings eight people to their destiny. A priest looking for the money to build a church hides a dark past, a young married couple looking for the wealth to start a life together, a prostitute searching for a way out of her present, - they all share one thing - a desire for the gold that is buried deep in the mountain. What they find instead is a terrifying horror and a powerful greed that leads them into a descent into the maelstrom of their existences.

What a gripping way to say a bunch of idiots get ripped off when Jack Elam sells them the right to a gold mine that doesn't belong to him (BTW, he's top billed but gone before the beginning credits end) and so one by one they turn on each other 'cause they're stupid. They find bones indicating the mine is actually an Indian burial ground but they don't care and when one Indian (THE INDIAN) shows up to complain they promptly hang him. 

Eventually he swings down (Get it?) and the men left over after killing each other he finishes off while the two women wander off to... well, let's face it, death. Because where are they going to go? They're untold miles from anywhere and they're on foot with no supplies. THE INDIAN would have been kinder if he had just killed them too.