Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


Red Riding Hood (2003) Italian

This nightmare mish mash of reality vs. fantasy is about Red Riding Hood in that A: That's the title; B: The girl wears a hood (but it's black); C: Umm, that's about it. Wow. This is a movie about 12 year old Jennifer (Susanna Satta) about which there's a song running in the background telling the whole story in case you're interested. I was not. I could have sworn I'd seen this kid before but this was the only acting credit I could find. Of course she's not a kid now.

She was a child actor in Rome and moved to the States where she ended up in Arizona (?!?). She attended Arizona University and has a BA in Communications and Media Studies. She works for AdMix Social, Social Media Marketing Specialist,  a digital agency focused on Social Media Marketing.

Susanna advertises herself on website Model Mayhem: "My name is Susie and I moved here five years ago from Italy. I consider myself very international, energetic and positive. I love new creative concepts, so if you have any ideas please contact me through this site. I began acting in Rome, when I was very young. When I moved here I decided to focus on modeling and print work. 

I also have a passion for photography so I hope to learn more about being in front and behind the camera. I was born in Sassari. I decided to enroll in the faculty of foreign languages ​​and literatures of Sassari. In college I learned very good German and French. After a stay of five months in Austria I continued my studies... to graduate on December 13 of this year in modern foreign languages ​​and cultures."

I like this kid better than the one who begins this movie with "God forgives, I don't." Sheesh. Her dad is dead, her mom's a slut and her grandmother an actress with no time for her. But since mom's busy with her cougar lifestyle, grannie comes from the States to take her to New York with her. Jennifer doesn't like that. And what Jennifer doesn't like, you hear in the song in the background (Somebody make it stop!) and we get this;

Jennifer has a puppy named George. We never know this is true or not, because we never actually see a dog other than the first picture of the puppy. George grows up to be her only friend, and the one who kills for her. Literally. Oh, and he wears a wolf's head (sort of, looked more like a type of opera mask) and a black cloak. She wears the same. They both wear red boots and gloves. Okay. My horror worksheet (patent pending) is just about done.

Together on the streets of Rome this deadly duo brings justice. Well, actually what they bring is vigilantism but we won't quibble 'cause we want this over quick. Granny yells at her which pisses her off so she drugs granny and ties her to the bed. Granny has an allergy to peanuts so she gives her just enough that she can't yell for help. Then 'George' uses a drill on her knees. Jennifer makes sure Granny has plenty to read, including Misery <small chuckle>.

So what it boils down to is that Jennifer is a traumatized, rich, spoiled deluded murderous brat. Nice. The murders pile up as Jennifer lectures 'George' on just the right way to clean up and make sure there are no clues leading back to them. She falls in love with her tutor but when it is not returned, she plans nasty revenge. What a nice, charming, little piece of work.

This drags on a bit because hey, they've got 92 minutes to fill. Then Jennifer finds out she wasn't as careful as she thought - a 'blind' begger can actually see and what he's seen he's blackmailing her for - in her naive way she figures he wants twenty bucks - he wants twenty THOUSAND - a day. So he's signed his own death warrant because although he thinks he's got her, he hasn't been paying good enough attention. And the tutor has broken into the apartment, found her collection of trophy body parts (Did I forget those?) and calls an ambulance for her grandmother.

So the beggar has been dealt with (she makes sure he's good and blind this time) and gets back to the apartment to use her baseball bat on the tutor - then tells the ambulance that was called for her grandmother that it is for him. He regains consciousness in the ambulance and jumps out to save granny.

This is where a movie that made absolutely no sense goes one steps further and just does a WTF to the audience and makes shit up as it goes along. The tutor has put on 'George's' costume and is trying to persuade Jennifer not to kill her grandmother. As he gets close enough though, she stabs him, telling him George doesn't talk so derr.

Her aim's a bit off though and he takes the knife out to use on her - and she actually pleads with almost-dead granny to help her 'cause she's really a good girl, honest. Pffft. Then we get the 'six months later' jump.

Jennifer is in an institution writing to her grandmother, who has gone back to acting on stage in a wheelchair. As she's writing though, she sees a perpetrator she hadn't managed to have time to dispatch and so sneaks outside (wait, she's in an... never mind) but before she can do anything 'George' shows up on a bicycle and cuts the guy in half. He then rides off. Whaaaaa?

Oh it gets better, and by that I mean worse. She goes back inside and finds the bicycle in the hallway. Bloody water is coming out from under a closed door. Inside she finds a bathtub full of water and George's costume. She puts her head under the water to find him - nothing. But when she stands up again, up pops her zombie father. I know, I know - massive stupidity on a hereto unknown scale in horror movies. He's really messed up but she still loves him anyway, bullet hole and all. Together they sing 'Que Sera Sera'.

No, I'm NOT kidding. Why would I make that up? I have my standards you know. The only thing I can say about this last scene is - it made me scratch out the lower part of my horror worksheet (patent pending).

And patient readers, that is the assortment under Bloodbath, available from Amazon for a little over four bucks new or three and a half bucks used. Now you know why.