
I think I've watched every movie Rob Zombie's ever made (even his mammary-heavy cartoon). Now did I think they were good? Yes and no. Yes that Rob had some really unique ideas for a horror movie, no because he sometimes has the ideas but doesn't seem to follow through. I'm sticking my neck out by saying this was apparent in Lords Of Salem. I really REALLY wanted to see that movie, and when I did... I scratched my head, thought 'I need to really pay more attention' and watched it again. I came to the same conclusion. He had a great idea, he had lush sets and music aaaaaand not much of a story. Or at least a story that seemed like he started strong and rushed to finish.
But in a world where the WWE is now producing its OWN horror flicks and doing a halfway decent job, as well as a young set of twins named Soska in Canada who are well on their way to becoming a very daunting force in future horror, when I heard that Guns 'N Roses former guitarist Slash was going to form his own horror production company I just shrugged and said, 'Why not?' - how bad could he be?
Truth? At least my truth? The only really disappointing thing about this project was the name he chose for his company - Slasher Productions. Uh huh. HOWEVER the movie itself turned out to be.... meh, pretty much what I expected but then they usually are. So what went wrong with this one (which had some peculiar if not outright baffling casting)?
While over the years the population hasn't exactly exploded, there were enough to have a church, a cemetery, and a post office. They were going to put in a bank and an electric railway but those never came to fruition. And then the rumors started. Soon EVERYBODY knew that Stull, Kansas sat directly on a gateway to hell. This isn't the first place that has gotten that reputation but for poor little Stull this was not an opportunity for growth or fame.
They, in a word, despaired. Stull is just a tiny town outside of Lawrence and really didn't want a reputation. I sometimes complain I live in a really dull area (no abandoned sanitariums, huge houses people are scared to death of, no cursed areas) but this kind of reputation I would not wish on anybody, even my little town. How did the rumors start? That's hard to pin down, whether you check sites that swear to its authenticity or sites that tell you it's total bullcrap (which I'm more inclined to believe). 'Mysterious' deaths have happened there.
Umm, what? Death within families and hangings are hardly the fodder of demon hellmouth material. The way some of it reads, it sounds like a script to Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Stull has tried to squash all the rumors about possible demonic or cult activity within the tiny space their town occupies with limited and sporadic success.


Whoops, off topic, sorry. Bottom line with Stull is that stories can start and explode even in the tiniest spaces and this kind of publicity Stull does NOT need. What the people of Stull need most is to be left alone. I'm afraid this movie is not going to help them do that. Too bad - a story about a supposed hellmouth could have been made up anywhere and not pointed fingers at any particular place, but somehow being able to use those cursed words 'based on real events' is just too tempting for filmmakers who are interested in dollars, not common sense (Like that little pun?).


The family get a blue cake (Blue? Ick, that would go directly into the trash.) from one of the friendlier people but they're too occupied to eat it. And we've got strange conversations between the Pastor and the teenage boy. So something's up, duh. Oh, and if you're wondering how could such a small town look so incredibly modern and.... LARGE it's 'cause this movie was filmed in Louisiana - three different places in Louisiana. So it appears that Stull doesn't even want to be in a movie for real - they want to be left alone. Can't blame them.
Anyway, the middle girl is the first to take a slice of cake and promptly cuts the roof of her mouth on a huge tooth in the cake. GAG. That. Was. Gross. The older sister and teenage boy, Noah (Ethan Peck, The Sorcerer's Apprentice) take care of her - the sis getting her a cloth, the boy sneaking the tooth into his pocket and throwing out the cake. So this apparently means that the middle child has been 'chosen'. For what?
This is what gets me about these kinds of movies. Demons are simply Angels that refuse to serve God. They are extremely powerful. Why do these writers think they have to follow all these stupid rules? There were rules for them and they broke them. That didn't turn them into incomprehensible creatures that mere humans have powers over... just because. And all these stupid rules and rites... you know the Demons are laughing at you, right?


Noah pretty much knew this anyway - after all, he's the sole survivor of another family tricked into moving into their town. Why Rebecca still likes him after knowing that... never mind. In the end, the family dies, the 'Demon' is sent back and the town starts fresh. In the end, a new family is brought to town, with Rebecca looking grimly at them but not warning them or anything, as she is now absorbed by the town's populace I guess. Duh.

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