Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, November 15, 2013

MOVIES THAT AREN'T WORTH MENTIONING BUT NOW THAT I'M HERE I MIGHT AS WELL WARN YOU ABOUT THEM















Reel Evil (2012)

Okay young ones you know the drill so let me break this down quick. Hand held cameras - check. Night vision recording - check. Headache from shaky camera view - check. Nothing happens except shadows or a glimpse of something for an hour or so - check. Quick looks at 'spirits' popping out - check. People die (well, this is so cheap they mostly just disappear) - check. Everybody dies - check. Somebody obviously finds the film later - check. End.




This place is icky poo...
So this is about three stupid idiots Moe, Curly and Larry (or Shemp if you prefer). They really, really want to make a documentary about a retarded horror movie and they found one. It will one of those 'behind the scenes' that have better stuff than the movie itself. They hope. You already know the where and the how. 



NOT the director - unfortunately...
We also get to meet the principle people working on the film - if they were any more phony, they'd be cartoons. The director goes around screaming that no one is to look him in the eye or get in his way or... let's just say he's a shameful example of a homosexual and puts them back a couple of decades. I fully expected him to fling his head around and have a crying fit. While shaking his hands like he was trying to dry them. THAT'S THE MOST EXCITING PART OF THIS MOVIE FOLKS. After that...

The three documentary dudes (well, one's a woman 'cause DUH is not restricted to any sex, color or race) soon get bored with the shoot because - have you ever seen a movie shoot? I have. They take about five seconds and shoot it. And shoot it again. And again. And again. It's funny when you see a movie where they shoot a scene and move right on to the next one. THAT scene probably took a whole day.

So we get three very bored stooges wandering around the HUGE (and they're always huge - there are no medium or house sized asylums) place looking for something scary and finding - nothing. Of course if they actually looked at what they've filmed they'd see what we do - umm, nothing. Oh there's a creaking door or a shadow and even once some specter behind the cameraman for a second but. Sigh. Let's end this.



This was her best part - QUIET.
One by one they finally start disappearing (cheaper than showing them dying and less special effects). The ingenue (read slut) is found actually in a state of dissection in what was probably most of their budget spent for just that shot. Since the three stooges are hated by the film crew (Which doesn't make sense - don't they want publicity?) anyway, nobody misses anybody.






Rules?
Of course there are rules to abandoned mental asylums - I'll print them later but you probably already know them if you've even seen two or three of these idiotic things. There's always a horrible doctor who ran the show who tortured and killed patients 'cause hey - nobody gave a damn about them anyway, right? And neither did I.