Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART ONE

Angst aka Penetration Angst (2003) UK

A year or so ago a movie was on the IFC channel about a poor young girl who has Vagina dentata (Latin for toothed vagina). That is a folk tale in which a woman's vagina is said to contain teeth, with the associated implication that sexual intercourse might result in injury or castration for the man involved. So of course one day a young boy (I am talking teenagers by the way) goes a bit too far and... loses something precious. Disgusted I turned it off - only to have a couple of people (all male too, hmm...) insist that it is a hilarious movie and I should try it again. I haven't.


Then I get this pack of movies and one is called Angst. The pack says it's from 2006 which may be the DVD release date, I dunno. Apparently though, Fiona Horsey and Paul Conway show up a lot in these kinds of movies. By kinds I mean those that suck. Severely. Someone claimed this was like Audition and Hostel. Not. Even. Close. We have a girl with a mean boyfriend (natch) who, when she doesn't want sex, proceeds to somehow get her head rolled up in his car window and... yeah, this is not for kids (or those with good taste). We hear a shwoop sound (get used to it, it's all through the movie) and suddenly the boyfriend is gone (Except for his clothes, WTH?) and all of a sudden she - or part of her at least - is getting an appetite and it isn't for dessert. 

A man (Paul Conway) who 'cares' for her in that dorky never-gonna-get-her way can't help but watch as she gets more and more promiscuous to satisfy her new... habit and she becomes a prostitute who gets the money AND the guy.

And what the hell is up lately with these movie posters? Do you know how many I've seen lately that have a woman crawl along the ground in the foreground of 'em? Lots. Way too many. Of course I've also seen way too many bad movies so I guess it's mostly my fault, right?

I was ready to turn the thing off, after all, the get-the-guy-to-go-with-you-shwoop-he's-gone IS the whole movie but then they start story number two where Paul Conway's character falls in love with another girl (too bad she's one of a set of conjoined twins), there's a convoluted plot involving a bank heist... And I realize as I look at the movie box cover that this turkey is going to take and they start a weird adventure involving a bank heist and.. 102 minutes? Are they freaking nuts? Am I freaking nuts?

I must be, 'cause this movie made on the Isle Of Wight (they must be sooo proud) kept going on in the same, uh, way - when the 'hungry' girl is between men she's stuffing, uh, hot dogs. But I did appreciate her dispatching her rapey gynecologist. There's been a couple that I wish could meet that kind of fate. You know who you are. You know what? Let's jump to the end. Which is a long, long way off. When her, uh, nether regions started making noises a la Seymour in Little Shop Of Horrors, that's when my patience ended.

But, unfortunately, the movie continues on... and on... and on... until any comedic or horrific value is completely destroyed. Some loved the ending. I did too - 'cause, well, it ended.