Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART EIGHT


Hallowed (2005)

Well last time we had not-so-beautiful fallen angels/cannibals/vampires and this time it's a religious idiot killing in the name of God. Hmm, there's been millions of those, what makes this idiot special? Ohhh, he witnessed his mom get killed when he was little. Hell, if every kid with a traumatic past went nuts and rode their bikes around killing people... my neighbors should lock their doors. <small chuckle>

So we have a kid turned grown idiot named Gabriel who. delivers. his. lines. like. there's. a. period. at. the. end. of. each. word. I haven't seen such a stiff since... uh, let's drop that. 

He also makes hand gestures like you see in those commercials of politicians looking like puppets explaining complex algebra to children. What does that mean? I dunno, it's early, leave me alone. And could his lines get any worse? "Cassie, God is calling you, it's time for you to pick up the receiver." Yikes!



Looked for pictures and all I found was this...
This is as generic a slasher movie as it gets. There's really not any slashing either. We get garden shears (oof), garden thingamajigger (Umm, ouch?)... hmm I'm detecting a pattern here. Maybe he's weeding out the sinners. 




This is, uh, one of them - I think...
Sorry about that, like I said, it's early. Let's see, interesting stuff, interesting stuff, keep the readers happy, don't type while you're thinki--- ahem.






Dum dum dum, got my bible and my garden tools dum dum dum...
This movie, very VERY low budget ($300,00) and in their one and only attempt at being clever, in the scene where Gabriel rides his bikes past the houses, look at the houses - umm, no, that would mean you'd have to watch the movie and believe me it ain't worth it. 



He rides past this one - is that one of them? I can't tell...
BUT the houses he rides past are those used in Halloween - the Doyle house, the Meyers house and the Strode house. How do I know? Duh, errr, pbbbt. I looked on the IMDb 'cause where this movie is concerned I got nothing. I fold.



I believe this one is a chiropractor's office now...
The backstory is embedded so deep into the story (read they did a terrible job at providing any) that although the movie description says he went nuts and was in an institution 'til they released him 20 years later, you'd never know it. And why he targets young pretty things to slash (sorry, to garden tool to death) is anybody's guess. 

This guy's main job was to see how many times
he could fit 'homes' and 'homie' in one sentence...
His main target who is supposed to be 16-18 and apparently has no parents (Too cheap to buy two more actors?) is a blonde with almost as wooden a delivery as his. Her boyfriend (who actually LOOKS like a teenager, unlike the others in the movie) tries to save her but nope, not gonna happen.


Only in a movie could that dork have a hot
girlfriend - no wonder they're sitting in the dark...
And they had the gall to set this up for a sequel as Gabriel is loose and the killings are sure to begin again. Lets hope they wait 20 more years, 'kay? Oh and to that ONE reviewer on the IMDb who went on and on about how wonderful this movie was, how scary, how neat the killer was - your dad Rocky Costanzo called and said stop faking reviews for his movies, it's just embarrassing.