Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Twisted Sisters (2006) Germany/UK

Quick quiz: What do you get when you have Fiona Horsey, Paul Conway, Eden Ford and Director Wolfgang Buld? Answer: A guarantee that the movie you're about to see is about sexual mutilation and bad acting. I'm not kidding. Angst, The Chambermaid, Twisted Sisters - all had decidedly anti-sexual tones and extreme punishment for those who, uh, indulged in the act. This sorry mess was almost ALL about that. Don't know what Buld's problem is, but I hope he doesn't have a partner.

We get Fiona in a double role as Jennifer/Norah - twin sisters that were raised in two very different ways. Their mother was killed or killed herself, I can't remember which and don't really care, so the kids were put in foster care.

Jennifer got adopted, had great parents with money, got everything she wanted and is married and newly pregnant (Although that doesn't seem to prevent her from getting drunk and smoking - what is this, the 50's?) 

Norah was taken in by relatives (wait, what?) and abused by both aunt and uncle. When her uncle raped her and impregnated her she stabbed him to death. She lost the baby and now can't have another one. She spent her life in an institution and was only recently released.

So Norah is out to get the life Jennifer has. Duh. This is the whole movie folks. They threw in, just for kicks (and because these guys only make gross movies) that Norah is a psychopathic killer who mainly kills men after sex by ripping out their crotch. How you ask? You didn't? Well, when she's not stabbing or cutting certain parts off, she's setting off fireworks in their, uh, lower regions. Nasty.

Two detectives (Conway and Ford) think Jennifer did the killings until her parents come forward and tell them about the twin. Natch they are now looking for Norah which REALLY pisses her off. She finds out by incredible convenient coincidence that Jennifer and her husband went to their vacation home that everyone has everywhere never. 

She goes out there to claim her... I mean her sister's life. She ties her up and puts her in the attic while she boinks the hell out of Jennifer's husband. Jennifer is working herself free when the detectives, figuring finally where Norah might have gone, show up. They see Jennifer with a knife and shoot her.

At the hospital they manage to save Jennifer's life. Her husband takes Norah, who he still thinks is his wife, home. But Norah manages to sneak out later and go back to the hospital. What she didn't figure on was that one of the detectives (Conway) is a major pervert and is turned on by the woman he thinks is such a viscious killer. As she looks on, the detective is feeling Jennifer up and saying he'd have to wait until she's conscious to rape her.

This makes Norah remember how she was treated and in a rage she goes into the room, grabs a scalpel and... well, you know... does her thing. Jennifer wakes up and sees what's happening. Norah, in a fit of conscience (or just because the movie's almost over) tells Jennifer she wanted to be just like her. She then cuts her own throat, dying on top of Jennifer. The end.

Wait - the end? That's it? That was the whole story? And why am I protesting - at least it's over.