Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A LITTLE BIT INTERESTING, A WHOLE LOT DISGUSTING



A Little Bit Zombie (2012) Canada

I guess the time of the zombie comedy film has been with us a while now, with other film makers desperately trying to make something in the vein of Shaun Of The Dead and failing, miserably. Take Warm Bodies. Please. When I heard it described as 'the Twilight of zombie movies' I knew it was doomed. I know I won't watch it. Who wants to watch what has been described as a goreless romantic movie for the whole family? That's called a Disney movie folks - if you want sunshine and flowers, go there. If you want gore and the dead undead, watch a real zombie movie. 

Just not this one. And WTH is a little bit zombie? Is that like being a little bit pregnant?


It starts off well enough - an outbreak is afoot (with no explanation) and an anonymous team of two are trying to annihilate every last one of them. While cleaning house at a circus (no zombie clowns though, rats) a mosquito happens by and bites one of the zombies. Okay, I know there couldn't be enough blood in a vein or artery, just let me explain the plot, deal? Deal. 

The sickened mosquito flies on until it is squished on the windshield of a hapless man, his uber bitch of a fiancee', his sister and her husband, a guy who thinks movies like American Pie are thoughtful examinations of human behavior. In other words, a bitch, a ditz and a human ape are travelling with him. They are going to a cabin for a vacation before the nuptials much to the constant complaining of the bride-to-be. You want her very VERY dead after about 30 seconds.

They get to the cabin and everything seems fine - until the mosquito comes back to life. Now it's supposed to want brains, right? Uh, not this one. After buzzing around the three obnoxious people it zeroes in on our hero and bites him. He smashes it. It recovers and bites him again. He smashes it. This goes on for a while but finally he manages to crush it beyond zombie recovery.

From there the film totally degrades into 87 minutes of farting, belching and puking schtick. If you like grossout bodily functions, this is the movie for you. Funny how one can watch a zombie get its head blown off without a tick but when someone decides to void their breakfast all over someone else's face.... ick.

Needless to say, this poor boy, a white collar kid named Steve gets worse - and now knowing his condition, his three, uh, friends try to help him. I should say his sister tries to help him while the other two bitch constantly. Animal brains work for a bit and then we get more grossouts - he needs human brains. So they decide to find someone 'no one will miss'. Hey, why don't you just eat the three with you? I wouldn't  miss 'em for a second.

The ending comes finally when the two hunters confront the sort-of zombie. When the gun-happy one insists that Steve is about to meet his end, his head is blown off by Steve's sister. No big loss there. The female part of the duo tells Steve he is a new mutation and needs to be studied - in hopes of finding a cure for the... and then her head is gone. 

The bridezilla, not wanting her plans ruined, even if it means a wedding cake made of human brains, has splatted her brains all over Steve. Which he doesn't mind at all. And the movie ends and I need a Tums really badly.

By the way, the CGI'd effects were terrible. Did they even try?