Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, April 8, 2013

HULU SNOOZE PART DEUX




Paranormal Xperience 3D (2012) Spain

Bless their European little hearts - the Spanish decided to throw their hat into the ring so to speak into two different attempts - the paranormal movie stuff and the 3D stuff. Oh and some CGI stuff to make this a triple-stuff movie. Other than that... uh sorry kids, no. This is not a paranormal movie, this is your typical slasher flick - in 3D.



We have our typical group of college students in psychiatry. Angela is a total non-believer in all things paranormal which is not allowed in her psychiatry class. Which is typical. In no school. EVER. But for the movie the professor is determined to teach all his students a lesson (apparently the word LAWSUIT is not translatable into Spanish - oh wait, yes it is, PLEITO) by dragging them out to a deserted mining town named Susurro (Sussudio?) - that's Whisper in English, not that it really manners. It's also where many people died. Hey, that's right where I'd go. NOT. EVER. But this movie has to move so here we go...

The town is Susurro (whisper in Spanish) and supposedly this is going to scare the pants off the audience. Uh, no. We've already been ruined and not much scares us - well some of us anyway. So wanting to one-up the typical stupid slasher or paranormal movie that usually starts with kids doing something dumb like conjuring up demons or whatever using Tarot cards or a Ouija board, they use a COMPUTER PROGRAM to induce one of their number, conveniently the sister of Angela and sort of psychic anyway, into a trance and 'open' the... whatever is going to get this movie off the ground.

That's not to say there aren't good gore moments in this movie but that's the trouble - they're only moments and it takes a long time to get there and beyond. The tag lines 'Believe the legend, enter the darkness, experience the fear' only makes you expect that surely there's going to be something more. But no.

See young Spanish film makers, this is NOT a Paranormal film. This is a slasher film. SLASHER. Oh, sorry. Uh, slasher doesn't translate so... Esta es una película donde los niños maten por medios poco espectaculares. You savvy?

Nice try, a solid B+ for gore, sorry, not much above a C- for story and acting... well, see me after class.