Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


William Shatner's Gonzo Ballet (2009)

This had to be the scariest thing I've seen this year. Netflix put this on display as an April Fool's joke and like a fool I dared someone to dare ME to watch it. I should have held out for the double-dog dare.

How to describe this? Well, it's 50 minutes long.

Oh, not enough? All right, actually it's NOT the ballet itself. It's worse. It's the creators of the ballet describing how it came about. Really. For 50 minutes. That's 3,000 seconds worth of William Shatner pontificating how he allowed his album 'Has Been' to become a ballet - even if he wasn't going to get paid for it. It was performed by an actual ballet company, with music provided in part by Ben Folds and some spoken lyrics (you know Shatner can't sing) provided by.... uh.... provided by.... <face reddens> provided by Henry Rollins.

There were examples,  both of some of the - you really can't call them songs but I guess since they're on an album Shatner thinks they're songs, plus snippets of the dancers doing their interpretation of Shatner's great wisdom and pithy observations. Excuse me, I'll be right back <sounds of violent vomiting>  eh, must have eaten something bad, sorry about that.

I think I need to lie down.