Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, April 8, 2013


The Darkroom (2006)

After watching Room 6 I started this movie with a distinct feeling of déjà vu and that's not 'cause I've been counting these stinkers in French. I guess it's 'cause there's a hundred movies with this name, and at the beginning of this one, there's a young boy with blood all over his hands wandering the streets and he's almost hit by a car. They next show him as having spent the next, what, 15 years in Room 7.... OMG he's in the same hospital! Run! They'll bore you to death!

Oh, this is different year, different movie - promise? Okay. Well, this boy can talk and all that good stuff but can't remember a lick of who he is or even his name. He uses names of different 70's game show hosts. KAPOW!!! Oh sorry, that's the way this film seems to give you 'hints' - by clocking you full force in the face like you wouldn't notice otherwise - see, he escapes but he can't get anyone to talk to him or respond to him so is he real? KAPOW!!! No, wait, the nurses talked to him, didn't they? KAPOW!!! But other people on the street walk right by him and KAPOW!!! okay that is getting reeeeeal annoying so I'll just cut that out.

But that's how this movie goes - the premise is so thin, the 'hints' so broad and the pacing so erratic that you kind of wish someone WOULD punch you in the face, just as an excuse not to watch and go eat some aspirin instead.

The man befriends a boy, the only human that will talk to him. This boy has massive issues. Not only is he bully fodder, but his stepfather is what Hollywood stepfathers and stepmothers are supposed to be - right? Mean, abusive, twisted, and we know in most, murderous. The extended family is always a house of pain in Hollywood. Never mind that in America right now approximately 65% of families have extended qualities, whether it is a step-parent or other relatives meshing with the 'core' family. Catch up Hollywood. Let's see a movie where the step-parent is the hero (or heroine) for a change, okay?

Anywho, long story short (too late) the step has a dark room that he doesn't allow anyone to go into. He also goes out at night with his camera. Uh huh. The boy finds out that he's also been out of work for months, and hides out during the day. Why he bothers since he's a controlling jerk I dunno.

The boy and his grown pal (boy that sounds wrong just typing it) eventually follow daddy around, find that he peeps in women's windows, taking pictures and as a bonus, keeps women hostage in the shed, torturing them and eventually killing them when he's done. Oh joy.

So the two will become heroes and justice will be done, right? Right? Well, no and frankly it pisses you off that you're wasting time with a movie that's not going to get any better. Because....

Where's Gabrielle?
Casper the friendly adult is not really there. Really. He IS the kid - remembering his childhood which, because he's an adult and only remembering, can't do a damned thing except watch as his mom gets abused (an OMG appearance by Lucy Lawless and even me telling you isn't going to help you recognize her), his dad tortures and kills his girlfriend, he tries to kill the bastard and fails, and ends up on the road with his hands covered in blood and almost gets hit by a car. Let's pray that this time they romp on the gas.