Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, April 8, 2013

HULU SNOOZE



Giddy Up, Oom Poppa, Oom Poppa, Mow Mow


I thought I'd try Hulu's Plus option since they're so confident about it they give you ONE WHOLE WEEK to check it out. My personal opinion? Skip it - if you can watch it for free, go for it. If you have to pay for it, go somewhere else. Even in the 'paid' mode, the buffering is horrible (if you dare do anything on your computer at the same time prepare for a crash, no matter how good your system), there's rarely any close captioning, and the final insult - commercials. 

I understand having them if you're watching something for free but why the hell would I pay to watch insipid commercials, 1/4 of them about Hulu? The only chuckle I got out of that was when they gave me the CHOICE between watching a commercial about Stayfree pads or watching Jennifer Aniston hawking Aveeno products. Hmm, what to choose...

So I start this horror (mostly horrible) fest with a marathon of Elvira pics and picks. Remember her guys? Big hair, big boobs, not much else? The choices range from her 80's shows and then skip up to 2010 and 2011. What's the difference? Well, besides the height of the aforementioned boobs, the content of the movies. Seems in the 80's she got to keep movies intact with language, nudity and all. It all gets sanitized in the 2010 and up versions and she 'riffs' more during the movies, trying to be like MST3K I guess. So I perused as many of her offerings as I could handle and this is basically what they were:

The House That Screamed (1970): The alternate titles - The Finishing School aka The Boarding School aka La Residencia (You can tell now that this is Spanish, right?). The title it should have had? Watch This For A Glimpse Of Boob Or If You're Into S&M. The headmistress is a slobbering mess of a meany and the girls have fun rebelling even though it means getting whipped - all the while being watched secretly by her pervert of a son who's supposed to have asthma but has no trouble in the dusty, coal drenched and cobweb covered passages he squishes into in order to get his peek on. Girls die. Twist: The son is not only a pervert but a psycho, he's been killing the girls and cutting them up to make the 'perfect' girl just like mommy. Eww.

The Devil's Wedding Night (1973): Boobs galore in this one. In fact the most interesting part of the movie was how the hell they found all those girls the same height and the same cup size. No joke. Dracula is a woman in this one (also the one with the biggest boobs) who can't act a lick but has a scene where it shows her nipple being basically the size of a Volkswagon. 'Nuff said.

Beast From Haunted Cave (1959): A little too old for boobage or language, this movie that was so cheap it couldn't afford a 'The' in the title was a Corman fest set in the snow with a monster who looked like Cousin Itt and included a subplot with gangsters 'cause let's face it - this was a snore fest no matter how many people you packed into it. This was on Elvira's 2011 show which is another reason why it probably had nothing bouncing in it - and also had a cameo of Jack White doing her 'rim shots' (he produced her new-fangled theme song and is mentioned in all 2010 and 2011 credits).

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966): Again on Elvira's 'clean' version of her show, this movie's title more than tells you what kind of movie this is. So I'll pass. <sigh> Yes, I had watched it when her show was on late night TV... you really don't wanna know.

Blue Sunshine (1978): Back in Elvira's 'R' rated days this little weird piece is about acid trips gone bad - ten whole freaking years later. Talk about flashback! Yeah not much in the way of nudity, just language and drug talk. And a mention at the end that 'not all the acid tabs have been found'. Let that be a lesson kiddies - if your acid was made in 1968 or before, flush it or you may find yourself first going completely bald just by touching your head and then murdering your loved ones. Just sayin'.

Frankenstein's Castle Of Freaks aka Terror! Il Castello Delle Donne maledette (Terror! The Castle Of The Damned Women) (1974): This Italian crap fest in Elvira's 'R' period has plenty of boobage since hey, why else watch this crap, right? I mean they call him 'Count' Frankenstein (Isn't he supposed to be a Baron?) and among his collection he has a caveman? Really? Only interesting part (to me) is an appearance by Michael Dunn, a man with dwarfism (SED) who starred in a ton of stuff in his brief life (he died at 38) including an episode in the original Star Trek series. Oh and the caveman Frankenstein captured apparently wasn't the only one as Michael's character 'Genz' later discovers - others live in a cave. Duh.

Count Dracula's Great Love aka El Gran Amor Del Conde Drácula (1974): Made by the International Amusement Corporation (that made me giggle more than the whole movie) this mainly focuses on serious horror issues - boobs, sex and stupidity. Yup. Oh and Dracula has to get a girl to honestly fall in love with him without tricks or he dies. Again. Still. Whatever.

Legacy Of Blood aka Blood Legacy (1971): Not much in the way of nudity I'm afraid - but lots of John Carradine looking as evil as possible. His character dies and his greedy misfits of kids come together to gloat and collect - but they have to stay in the house for a week. Where they die of course. 'Causes John's character isn't really dead and we aren't really surprised. They have a servant named Igor for crying out loud - played by Buck Kartalian and really the only reason you'd want to waste your time with this garbage. But the final gotcha is caused by the maid who eventually gets it all - and breaks the fourth wall to say to the audience 'And you thought the butler did it!' Umm no, actually I didn't even care to guess.


Whoops... how did this one get in here?
The Werewolf Of Washington (1973): My lord, Dean Stockwell starred in this stinker and STILL had a career afterward. This self-described horror-comedy was such a stinker it SHOULD have had some boobs bouncing around just to even out the yawning... it was supposed to parody some of the government's official's including some joker who apparently kept saying 'Let me make this perfectly clear....'  Okay okay no writing me please I know who that is, gah! The only part that was remotely giggle worthy was another appearance by short-stature Michael Dunn playing a doctor, uh, I guess - he had some guy strapped to a table in the bowels of the White House for... some reason - Dean as his wolfy self apparently liked the little doctor and happily sniffed his... uh yeah. What dogs sniff. 

Aaaand that's enough Elvira for a lifetime.