Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

GOOD SCHLOCKY HORROR



The Stuff (1985)

This ridiculous (but entertaining) movie kind of reminded me of Food Of The Gods. You've got the mysterious goo bubbling up from the earth, people stupid enough to stuff it in their mouths, people greedy enough to market it without making sure it's safe, and people stupid enough to eat it without wondering what's really in it. Sounds logical to me. It also attracted some big names, like Paul Sorvino, Patrick O'Neal, Danny Aiello, Garrett Morris and Michael Moriarty, among others. For such a laughable film, that's a pretty hefty cast.

And laughable is the name of the game for this movie. We've got a marshmallow like 'stuff' leaking from the ground which tastes wonderful (duh, it's MARSHMALLOW) but has no calories (How do they know?) and the more you eat, the more you crave. FDA? They don't know what that is, apparently. Soon after an old duffer finds this stuff, corporations take over and soon 'The Stuff' as it is so imaginatively called is shipped all over, sold in quart containers like ice cream and fills all the homes of idiots. A problem - it's so popular, no one wants any other sweets and we just can't have that, right?

So a former FBI agent who's now an industrial saboteur (Michael Moriarty) is hired by those companies to bring down 'The Stuff' any way he can. Apparently neither they nor he eats it. Among those who want him to succeed is 'Chocolate Chip Charlie' (Garrett Morris).


Meanwhile in one of those typical families that never listens to their kids, a young boy comes down to get something to eat. Opening the fridge, he catches 'The Stuff' as it crawls around the refrigerator. His father not only doesn't believe him but punishes him for getting up in the middle of the night. Oh, THAT kind of family. Ick.

So there are those who don't eat this stuff but the rest eat it like it's going out of style. Since it has no calories but is filling people are losing weight and feeling great - unless 'the stuff' decides to leaves their bodies and so after ripping their jaws open (hard for marshmallow to be that brutal) it gorps out of them and crawls off.

So the movie consists of a lot of sneaking around, bad special effects as the marshmallow-like Stuff creeps around and rips people apart (heads pop kind of like footballs - apparently no bone or guts in this movie).

The movie is silly, dated, goopy and full of convenient plot devices. In other words, a pretty decent 80's horror flick.