Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

TOLD YA! TOLD YA! TOLD YA! YES!!! AWWW.... IT STINKS




Osombie aka Osombie: The Axis of Evil Dead (2012)

I'm crowing a little at this review because, when The Walking Dead was taking off and there were a thousand different 'group' pages on Facebook about it (probably still is) I belonged to a few of those groups and so when I first heard they were going to make this movie, I posted it. 




NO BLOOD
Now for those who know me, I despise scams, rumors and other stupid things that people post on Facebook without verifying them and don't hesitate to post links to my favorite sites like Snopes or Facecrooks to back my info up. So when Bin Laden met his demise on 5/2/11 and the mass media that followed the event was still going like crazy, I happen to find out that they planned the above movie.

The result? I was, in a word, ridiculed. I had fallen for a hoax, everyone said, there was no real movie, the 'trailer' of the movie was just a mish mash of other movies and I was really, really stupid. Feeling sheepish beyond measure I took it down and apologized. I never looked it up again and forgot all about it.



NO BLOOD
Then tonight, while asking the hubby what he wanted to watch on Netflix, guess what we found? AHAAAAA... <ahem> sorry, it was just I felt so foolish and stupid for 'falling' for a hoax when I am so OCD about them that finding out I was right sent me into a whirling feeling of giddy vindication. I HATE being wrong - I frequently am but I HATE it.

So here we are, a film obviously hastily put together by a company in Utah, but strangely enough, although it was released in the UK and several other countries, I could not find a date of release here in the US. WTH? You would think of any country in the world the US would want to have first dibs on this one... but then I watched it, and I began to understand.



NO BLOOD
This movie is, in a word, no wait - two words, CGI AWFUL. It's basic premise: In the raid of the Abottabad, Pakistan bunker of Bin Laden he apparently didn't want to go quietly and so is seen shooting himself up with... something right before the Navy Seals burst in and gunned him down. Apparently that substance was a zombie virus combo 'cause while transporting his body in the chopper he rose, one who got bit by another one on the ground started shooting and the whole helicopter goes into the water (they DID say he got a watery funeral).

Okay, here's where the movie REALLY falls apart. A young, obviously American couple is on a beach. She decides to go swimming. Of course Bin Laden, who is now comfortable moving about under water rips her up. But somehow in the miracle of 'Don't ask idiot 'cause we can't explain it either' movie logic, he gets BACK to Afghanistan and is shackled and protected in a bunker in the side of a hill. Whaaaaa?



NO PERSONALITY
Meanwhile, dumbass 1 is an American woman civilian in Afghanistan looking for dumbass 2, her brother who, because of 9/11, is ashamed to be alive (his firefighting buddies died in the mess while he was home sick) and, believing Bin Laden to still be alive, is over there to find and kill him all by his lonesome.

Wait, you say, where did these zombies come from? This movie's explanation is that the US made a substance they called Godsmack (I'm sure the band really didn't appreciate that) that was to be put in the water supply, only to cause 'mostly harmless nausea'. Uh huh. Then they talked about 'small man syndrome', talked about 'Barack Bonaparte' whatever the hell that was supposed to mean - I guess bottom line was that somebody wanted to make money off the stuff and so cut it with some more chemicals and sold it to the highest bidder - the end product being the zombie juice. If you're confused, I think you're supposed to be. I started to get the distinct feeling that this film was trying to push some anti-American propaganda, which could be a reason it wasn't officially released in this country.



NO BLOOD
And it was dumb. How dumb was it? It was soooo heavily CGI'd that we had a whole zombie movie and very, very little gore. A gun goes off, a zombie's head explodes into.... something that disappears before it ever hits the ground. Nuh uh, that's not good. One of the soldiers (female, their version of Michonne I guess) was handy with a sword. She hacked her way through a dozen zombies (who all conveniently formed a circle around her and only attacked one at a time) and when she was done there was NO BLOOD - not on her, not on her sword, not on the zombies and again not on the ground. Sheesh. 

One army dude bit the big one, pun intended because while he was talking and THE WHOLE TROOP WAS LOOKING AT HIM a zombie came up behind him and bit his neck. Okay folks, we're in the desert (of Utah), they're looking straight at him, the zombies are 'Romero's' - shambling at best and growling. NOBODY SAW OR HEARD IT COME UP TO HIM AND BITE HIM? Maybe they hated his guts, again pun intended.



NO SHIRT
One soldier must have had the 'Twilight werewolf' clause in his contract because even though they were in combat and in the desert, he had to take his shirt off every 15 minutes or so. Massive duh. And the two civilians, dumb as they were, both survived. No freaking way.




NO BLOOD
Intersperse all of this stupidity with worthless personal stories that go nowhere, cultural references like Facebook and Walmart, obvious recycling of locales (they used the same cave for three different scenes during the movie) and massive duh moments that made no sense (One guy is looking at zombies through a scope at about a mile away, sees something he wants, walks THREE STEPS and he's right beside the zombies - WTH?) okay yeah, I was right that this was a real movie but this was no triumph on my part. This movie was a real stinker and should have stayed a scam.



NO BLOOD
Oh and Osombie himself? When he's on screen, better hit your 'pause' button to get a good look at him because he's only in the movie at the very beginning and the end. The 'zombie army' is actually being raised by his still-alive cronies, not by him. He's just sitting there, stinking. Does he die again? Yes, but as the movie tries to make real clear, with no thanks to the US Navy Seals - just an obsessed guy from New York. A final insult in this waste of a tasteless (even for zombies) movie.