Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


A Whole Shi--- Uh Boatload Of Bad Movies

I haven't been slacking off, really. I've been watching movies like crazy, and it's been making ME crazy. See, I knew I'd be reviewing bad movies, I just didn't realize how bad movies could be. We're not talking Plan 9 From Outer Space bad, something you can enjoy BECAUSE it's bad. We're talking movies that should at least have been decent, may have had a good actor or two in it, a decent premise maybe, but it was just AWFUL beyond the pale. 

When I'm taking notes and the next scene is so... stomach turning that I throw my pen in disgust (my cats actually love it when I do that)... well, let's just say I'm down a lot of pens. Cats aren't dogs - you throw something, they get it... and then you never see it again. Shoot.

So here's a list of dishonorable mentions of movies I really REALLY tried to do full reviews on but they were just horrid:

Beneath The Darkness (2012): I had a crush on Dennis Quaid in the 80's and 90's - I really did. I mean could he smile or could he smile? But something's gone dark with Dennis - he's either just not happy anymore or he has gotten into the 'this is the movie for you' trap and now he's stuck playing psychos. Look at Pandorum. Great movie, except Dennis was a psycho. But at least THAT was a decent movie. This... oof. 

They should have called this Trying To See A Damn Thing In The Darkness, 'cause the movie apparently takes place in a town that never sees the sun. Nothing is more frustrating than a dark movie, especially when it's a BAD dark movie. Dennis Quaid plays the owner of a funeral home. Ooooh, that explains it. See, in bad horror movies, certain professions automatically mean you're a psycho. Let's see, there's doctor, mortician, scientist, clown, priest, and of course cop. That's just a sampling but you get the idea.

So why is Dennis mad this time? Sigh. Infidelity. Yup, he's on a tear (and burying people alive) 'cause his wife was having a little too much fun. And teenagers being stupid and never being believed by anyone over 21 find out but have to 'catch' him themselves because, I dunno, they watched too much Buffy The Vampire Slayer or something. And they do. In the dark. Duh.

Silent House (2011): Oh boy, was this transparent as hell. Teenage girl decides to help daddy and his brother fix up a house they used to vacation at waaaay out in the sticks so they can sell it. As soon as she gets there she starts seeing strange things and hearing strange noises. And hmmm... there's some Polaroids she finds that her dad snatches away from her before she can look at them. Uh huh. Call Child Services please 'cause we all already know what happened and why she's freaking at being back at that house. But no, we have to suffer through ANOTHER movie that mostly takes place in the freaking dark, as she slowly realizes that the spectres she thinks are after her and her dad and uncle are shadows of the past and SHE is the one causing the havoc. 

See, in case you don't watch horror movies or you are really thick (and I don't think you are) the Polaroids she had found were of her... seems her daddy and brother used her as... uh... a main source of entertainment when they were out in this house. BIG surprise. Not. Massive duh.

Rites Of Spring (2011): Take all the country setting horror movies you know, add a splash of He Who Walks Behind The Rows and BAM! You've got yourself one horrible horror movie. But at least most of it takes place in the daytime. 'Cause it's Spring you see... no? Well I can't blame you. With a mashing together of a kidnapping plot gone wrong, girls captured, tortured and killed over decades as sacrifices, some kind of undefined monstrosity, and corn fields (Don't these farmers ever grow anything else in horror movies?), you are sucked into a head scratching, yawn inducing movie that has no purpose and no real ending. BIG duh.

Choose (2011): A revenge movie of the DUHest kind. A serial killer goes after seeming random people and makes them choose how they're going to die. Of course these people are only random because in horror movies, police are always stupid. They've been working on this thing for a couple of years. So of course the daughter of a detective gets on line on her computer and pretty much figures it out in five minutes. Okay that's not quite fair, she had help - the killer wants her to know who he is and why he's doing this. The reason? Sigh - another revenge scheme - all the people killed were NOT random, and her detective daddy should be fired on the spot for not knowing that since he was also involved. DUH of the decade.

Movies That Weren't Quite So Bad:

Crooked House (2008) UK Made For TV: One would think this would be incredibly slow and boring considering it is both a TV movie and from the uneven movie-making UK. But I found this surprisingly good (although it is a bit slow). It is the story of a young man living in his flat until one day he finds a very strange doorknocker in his garden. Taking it to the museum, the curator tells him that on the site of his building used to be a mansion with a peculiar man who was said to be into the black arts. He then proceeds to tell him of several stories of families that lived (but not for long) in that mansion. He ends the stories by saying the mansion was torn down and the new building put up because the original owner did not have an heir. The man decides to keep the ugly thing and installs it on his door.

Bad mistake. Always at the same time toward four in the morning he hears someone using the knocker. Answering the door always shows no one there - but when he turns, the inside of his flat has become the inside of the mansion. He slams the door shut, then opens it - it's his flat again. After a few times of this, with him even exploring the mansion and seeing the original family performing some sort of black arts rite, he takes off the knocker and goes back to the museum - which has been closed for years. In fear he turns to his girlfriend, who he had abandoned because she became pregnant (although he promised to provide for the baby). She's no help of course. 

Going home he throws the knocker in a pond, but that morning he is again woken by the knocker - which has appeared on his door again. Slam - mansion. Slam - flat. Very scared he looks at the door - the knocker is again gone. Again he hears a knock - but this time it's his girlfriend. She's in labor and in a panic he has her sit on the couch while he calls an ambulance. But when he turns around, she's gone.

He rushes again to the museum and breaks in. He finds the picture he was shown by the non-existent curator of the first family that had no heir. This time the picture shows them holding a son and he knows that it was supposed to be his. Rushing back to his flat he can only look in horror as he finds the mansion that was supposed to have been torn down - after all, as the curator said, it would have still been there had there been an heir. Okay, a bit of a ways to go for a punchline, but not half bad.

The Dunwich Horror (1970): This is the original, not the silly remake the Sci Fi channel put out, but both have Dean Stockwell in them. Now I've said before that you can't really encapsulate an H.P. Lovecraft story into a movie very well since it's almost more of a mythology than a story but hey, there's Sandra Dee getting naked (which shocked me, I've never seen her but I remember them singing about her in Grease), Dean getting to feel her up - a lot - and psychedelia galore. Yeah it's still kind of silly -  apparently Dean's character's main power is to widen his eyes every few seconds as sort of a hypnotism technique. Uh huh. Loved the curly hair and porn star mustache though. And it is MUCH better than the remake so if you have a choice, pick this one. It's still not that good, but meh.