Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

SHAMPOO, RINSE, REPEAT



Devil Seed aka The Devil In Me (2012) Canada

I will only give this movie a passing mention and it doesn't even really deserve that. It's like the film makers sat down and said 'Hey, we've got a couple of weeks to kill and a boot of money (they ARE Canadian) let's make a movie.' 'Where's the script?' 'Hell, we don't need a script, just cut out bits of every possession movie made and we'll change a few names and bam - we're golden.'



Since this has absolutely nothing original in it, you could tell me the story even if you didn't watch the movie. But here it is: Alex is a partying college girl who is a virgin (yeah right) to the frustration of her boyfriend who is getting some with her housemate. One fine sunny day - no scratch that. One night after partying particularly hard she and a friend have the brilliant idea to consult a psychic. The witchy woman takes one look at Alex and practically throws up all her Chianti. The two girls are laughing and go home to their horrid fate for the next 108 minutes.

We get to see Alex thrash around her bed a lot, 'cause demons don't attack you at the supermarket or at school or on the bus - they like the bed 'cause shaking it up and down and shifting it is much cheaper than, say, moving a bunch of groceries or lifting classmates desks with them in them. She wakes up without memory of what happened (wish I could) but is getting nasty scratches all over her body. Her boyfriend just figures she's been a little angel with him but the devil with other boys. Oh if only that were it, this movie would be over.


As is inevitable, people start to die around her. And movie coincidence stomps all over the plot, as her teacher (the only one she's got I guess) has a father who WAS a father - in fact he was an exorcist. Oh joy. Why'd he quit? 'Cause his last exorcism (no, not THAT movie) didn't go so well - the girl died. Okay, in order to 'free' her he had to stab her. Why he's not in jail I have no idea. So finally he gets involved and realizes Alex has got to die too 'cause this pure virgin is going to have a nasty baby. Oh goody, could we hurry this up please? Unfortunately the schmuck of a son he has doesn't understand and stops him - and gets his head ripped apart (well this movie was cheap so it was just a yank - no gore) and she escapes and runs outside to be promptly hit by a car.

The final scene is of a couple adopting a healthy baby boy, whose mother was tragically in a car wreck and is in the hospital as a vegetable (good ole' Canadian free health care) and thankfully this piece of trash ends.