Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, April 29, 2013

TWO REMAKES OF GREAT MOVIES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ILLEGAL



Psycho (1998) / Footloose (2011)

I think I've mentioned more than once about the 'list' Hollywood has of remakes it plans to churn out within the next couple of years. They've come up with quite a few more, but I'm just hoping that means that some will drop from the original list.

I decided to swallow the acid rising in my throat and try a couple of Hollywood's 'reboots' (that's apparently the new word for 'we don't have an original idea in our head and we don't have to so there'), one from a while back, one a little more recent.


Psycho (1998): Why didn't I want to see the new Psycho? Why do you think there hasn't been 'rebooted' sequels? One, it's a major insult to Alfred Hitchcock (and Robert Bloch), let's face it. The number two reason? Vince Vaughn. I have a list of actors that I will see a film for no matter how terrible it looks. The opposite goes for Mr. Vaughn. I just can't stand him. He's a smirk and a bit talent, and that's it. And that's how he played Norman/Mrs. Bates. I wanted to knock the smirk right off his stupid face. 

Anne Heche was all right I guess as Miss 'Stabbed In Shower', except for all the slashing he did, did you notice there was NO BLOOD either on the knife, flying around the shower, or any defensive wounds on the character's arms as she went down? No? Guess it was just me. If they were going for the sterile Hitchockian death of the first Psycho, they should have left it in black and white 'cause this was just pitiful. Which pretty much describes this entire sucky movie.


Footloose (2011): Geez Louise doesn't anybody have any more ideas - they've got to screw with ones from when I was young(er)? For you young whippersnappers that are too young for the original, all they've done is taken the soundtrack from the first movie, screwed up the few songs they did use, add a bunch of other ones I never wanted to hear in the first place (Black And Yellow by Wiz Khalifa? Really?), update the dancing a bit, and cast Dennis Quaid as yet another sourpuss so he can practice those frown lines that are getting deeper and deeper on his face (Crack a smile kid, okay?). 

It follows the same basic story which was silly in the 1980's (probably because it's 'loosely based on events taking place in Elmore City, OK') and even sillier now. Biggest WTH moment: In the original, Ren races big tractors with the local baddie and wins. In this version, the baddie gets into a big tractor, drives it ABOUT 100 FEET before stopping in front of painted up school buses, which he and Ren then race. WHAAA? Sigh. I KNEW it was going to be stupid but I watched it anyway. My bad.