Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, April 8, 2013

HULU SNOOZE PART TROIS



Premonition aka Convergence (2000) Canada Made For TV

I thought oh cool, a horror flick with Christopher Lloyd (Yay!), Adrian Paul (Okay!) and Cynthia Preston (Cool - uh wait, who?) set in my second favorite city, Seattle Washington. Of course that's usually code for 'we wanted to save money so we shot this in Canada'. Very few Pacific Northwest films are actually filmed in America. A couple of outdoor shots maybe, but that's it. Hell, Grey's Anatomy is supposed to be about a Seattle hospital but except for the outdoor shots with actual Seattle landmarks in them (like the Space Needle), the rest is shot in California. These people should have stuck with the Convergence title though... look up Premonition and you'll have a ton of bad movies instead of just this one. Bad movie I mean.

In 1984 a plane crashes two miles from the airport supposedly smack dab in in the middle of Seattle. It's a horrific scene with the dead and dying from both the crash and those unlucky to be in the way on the ground. A girl wanders around the carnage and is scooped up by a man and whisked away.

Current day: Reporter Ali and her partner Morley (Christopher Lloyd) work for a tabloid-type newspaper trying to get info on a series of seemingly supernatural killings. They know scams when they see them and are sure this is more of the same. But after seeing things like a mental patient suddenly able to predict the exact time and date of people's death, persons with stigmata, you know the usual dumb stuff they're not so sure.

Aaand here's where I lost interest because I knew what happened and how they were going to try to work this thing around... what I didn't know was how long they were going to take to get there (93 minutes although it felt twice as long). It's sooo boring! Of course Ali is the 'girl' taken from the wreck and of course Morley is the 'guy' who whisked her away and by the God of movie coincidences are now working together as adults without knowing each other (yeah, right) and slooowwwwwllllly Adrian Paul somehow becomes mixed in the mess (I didn't like him much in the Highlander TV series - wait, I didn't WATCH the TV series, sorry) and you think okay, she really died but didn't know it, and how come nobody is noticing those strange streaks that have been going across the sky since the movie started - I mean it's cloudy in Seattle but not THAT cloudy.

Big surprise (and big duh) - Ali was supposed to have died in that crash (on the ground, not on the plane) and because Morley took her away it upset the 'natural balance'. Uh, over 15 years later? Oh yeah, they explain, it takes a little while for things to... I dunno, get stupider? Why couldn't it just be that Morley was a hero and saved a little girl? Because we wouldn't have this blah of a movie that gets you with names and a supposed premise that sounds interesting but turns out to be the most boring movie you've ever seen.