Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

COULDN'T MIA FARROW GROW HAIR?




Full Circle aka The Haunting Of Julia (1977) Canada/UK

Although this movie was made almost ten years after the abysmal Rosemary's Baby, it seems that Mia Farrow still couldn't grow any damn hair - she looked exactly like she did in the previous movie, eyes like deer caught in the headlights and all. Geez. They should have left the title as full circle but I guess back then they couldn't know just how many movies were going to start with 'The Haunting Of' just like a ton of movies now are titled '... Of The Dead'. I don't know why, but the US didn't get this gem until 1981. They could have kept it longer, really.

Mia can NEVER be happy in a movie I guess. In this one, she's unhappily married and right off the bat her little daughter chokes to death on a piece of apple. No that's not quite right - even though the Heimlich maneuver was relatively new in the 70's it was still used but oh no, not in this movie - Julia (Mia Farrow) decides to go the 'easy' route of a tracheotomy because we all know how easy those are. The kid bleeds to death. Massive duh but a necessary start to this dumb movie.

Realizing she was miserable anyway she moves away and buys a new house (Geez where do all these people get the money?) and tells her husband to... stay away. That'll teach him. One of the rooms has a bunch of kids toys, including a creepy clown that is one of those damn things that claps cymbals together. Whose freaking bright idea was this for a child's toy? The cymbals are sharp, she cuts her finger and puts it down. Of course it does what these creepy things do - it starts up by itself. Straight to the compactor I say. She just puts it back. DUH.

Annnnd let the hallucinations begin. She starts seeing what she thinks is her daughter, hears strange noises, things creak, footsteps are heard, massively dull things fill the time. Finally people around her start to die. She doesn't know it or maybe she'd act a little smarter (no she wouldn't). She even has a seance in her house. Oh yeah, that's always smart. Afraid of evil spirits? Just invite them in, they won't bug you - massive DUH on anyone's part.

So we finally get to the meat of the movie - a boy was killed in her neighborhood - of suffocation. Uh huh, must have been an epidemic. Oh but it gets better. The boy was bullied and the ringleader, a girl that looks a hell of a lot like Julia's dead daughter (duh) had the neighbor kids hold him down and dirt was shoved down his throat 'til he died. Nice kids, think I'll have a dozen or two. So why is she seeing the ghost of a little girl? Her mother, who is now in a looney - sorry, a mental facility is visited and confesses she suffocated the girl herself 'cause she realized she was evil. And killing her wasn't? She's hiding out even though she's not really mental so her daughter's ghost can't find her - but thanks to Julia, she sees her daughter and just that causes a fatal heart attack. So there.

Now the whole sordid (sounds better than boring) story is out, for some dumb ass reason Julia feels for the little girl - to hell with the fact that she killed a kid. She arrives home, goes to the girl's room and sees the ghost, standing there with that damn clack clack toy. Thinking all you need is love (I know, copyright infringement, come and get me) she holds out her hands to the child telling her the toy is too sharp and takes it... typical cutaway as all we hear is a clack and then see a dying and very bloody Julia - apparently the little dickens used a cymbal to cut her jugular. Ahh, isn't that sweet.


At least it was a lot shorter than Rosemary's Baby.