Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

HULU SNOOZE FINALE!




Voodoo Moon (2006) Canada TV Movie

Well I'm ending my Hulu crapfest on a kind of positive note because this movie wasn't half bad. Unfortunately that means that half of this movie IS bad and you should be warned. But we have a hunky hero, a hunkier villain and a whole lot of famous friends to round this movie out to be a kind of soap opera-ish story of good and evil having a final battle in good ole' New Orleans. Well, sort of. Near there somewhere.



Bad part - this was actually a TV movie. Good part - Jeffrey Combs is in it. Well that's good for ME. Actually quite a few people make an appearance in this thing including John Amos who will look F-I-N-E well into his hundreds, Dee Wallace, Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia for you Buffy fans), and a slew of others you may recognize.







Okay the story is thin but: Twenty years ago give or take a demon destroyed an entire town using a possessed guy to take the fall 'cause hey, they're like that - the only survivors were a boy, Cole (Eric Mabius) and his sister. Why? Don't ask questions, that will just make this longer. Anywho, the boy grows up fighting this guy all over the world and because Christianity doesn't make him strong enough - just quoting the movie, calm down - he borrows from all the 'beliefs' of the world to pump him up to defeat this same demon over and over. Seems monotonous. His last stint of learning is in Haiti with voodoo. I thought it amusing (because I'm twisted that way) to see someone shaking chicken bones and quoting scripture at the same time. Oh well.

Sensing that his playmate has come back and in fact is making a beeline for his sister (Charisma Carpenter) who, while not being a psychic powerhouse like her brother does have the uncanny ability to draw things that are going to happen. He then calls together all the 'friends' he has in the States for this final battle, which apparently will take place in his hometown, where it all began for whatever reason.


We get lots of soap opera style action with longing looks, forbidden love, a brief flirtation between Charisma and the man she doesn't know is evil, Daniel (Rik Young). Quite a few of Cole's gathered friends bite it before they can really help. Poor Jeffrey Combs - his character, a cop who owes Cole for saving his life, dies but somehow rises anyway to come and help - brain dead, stiff and rotting but he's there. Needless to say he makes a presence but can't really do anything.

The final battle is silly and typical of these types of movies. Even the bad guy comments on Cole using pagan objects while quoting scripture but he's still getting his ass kicked. Now here's where it gets stupid. Uh, stupider. Their whole hometown was flooded because the town was massacred and they decided they'd rather have a good water source (With all those corpses? Ewww.) than rebuild the town. I mean it's WAY under water, right? Well, good old Charisma notices one of the churches has it's steeple sticking out of the water. What, is this church twenty freaking stories high or something? Conveniently she had drawn that very steeple and someone impaled on it, she just didn't have a face. 


She scurries to finish her drawing with Daniel's face on the picture and sure enough - splurch! Yeah, I know, not a word but a good sound effect - splurch! He's impaled on the steeple (in the shape of a cross of course) and Cole is rescued by the impressive and still hunky John Amos as he sinks to the bottom of the lake/town. He takes him from the arms of his dead mom who's, I dunno, holding him still I guess.

At this point Jeffrey Comb's character, very much worse for wear, says, 'Cole okay? I can sleep?' and slumps over dead again... uh still. Ahhh, how sweet. Ick. And our movie is over and so is Hulu.



Hulu in case you Google yourself and this comes up here's a tip: If you want to charge for your service, don't pack your damn movies full of commercials. I don't need to watch Jennifer Aniston rub her elbows with Aveeno a thousand times, or how having a tablet in my new car is an absolute necessity or how Stayfree twists and turns to keep me fresh all day. I can watch TV for that, idiots. That combined with the lousy buffering, no close captioning available and dumber than dumb movie choices is not worth a monthly fee.