Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Breathing Room aka A Room To Breathe (2008)

I was kind of glad when I researched who did this movie that the words 'movie reminiscent of' in some of the comments because as I was watching I could think of two or three movies just like this one. So I'll make this short because there's a good chance you've seen one like this too.

Tonya finds herself naked, bewildered, and thrown into a warehouse-sized room containing thirteen other people. She is labelled number 14. All find this is some sort of sick game that they must play - players must be eliminate because only one can walk out of there. All are wearing deadly shock collars.

I have to pause a moment here to talk about a news article I just read about students who designed women's anti-rape underwear that is supposed to be capable of shocking an attacker up to 82 times. It also contains a GPS type of chip which will alert the girl/woman's family that she has been attacked. Oh this world is so, so twisted. 

It's not okay for women to defend themselves or men be taught not to rape so we're gonna have to wear underwear that we pray will not be defective and kill us outright, and will shock the rapist unconscious and not just piss him off. Oh, and then our families receive a lovely phone call that someone has messed with our bra and might be up to no good. Yay.

Okay, back to the movie which you've probably already seen in some other form. A sign on the wall says (I wrote it down figuring it would save tons of exposition), Getting Started: Congratulations! You have been selected! Prepare for the experience of a lifetime! 

Wow, lots of exclamation points there. The collars prevent the 'players' from going out the door but one does anyway immediately and falls down dead. Okay, one down - oh crap, there's 13 to go. That's okay, in these things alliances are made quickly and broken, at intervals the lights go out during which at least one inevitably dies. There are 'hints' found on pieces of paper, objects discovered, more die.

I got a SALTS (and I'm allowed, being Cherokee) when one complained he lost his job to the Indians 'the dots, not the feathers'.

But the ending is such a... nothing that you really are slapped in the face with the fact that you just wasted 89 minutes for absolutely nothing. During the film another boy appears with the number 0 on his clothes and they get his collar off and he gets out the door - to find a wall. They find a way to use the objects hidden around the room to blow a hole in the wall but before the boy can tell them if it's the way out the lights go out - and now he's dead. Why?

Gee whiz, it's our naked number 14 who's been in on the whole thing and ends up the last one alive. THAT part I guessed. In other movies the scenario is fueled by revenge for something, or experimental. This was for NOTHING. The girl takes off her collar (all the collars actually come off with a clasp in the front, not the lock on the back as they all thought) and walks out, asking a man (who is the first guy who 'died' by being shocked - obviously not) if they 'got what they needed' and he says yes. We then see cubicles of people on their computers all looking at different rooms with different people in them. WHY? <sing song voice> They're not gonna tell youuuuuuuu....

Tonya goes to the bathroom, and cleans herself up (she got bloody finishing off the last one) then puts her collar back on, strips naked and 'falls' into another room of contestants. WHY?